It's Not Whether You Win or Lose, It's How You Bear the Shame

i love bookstores so much, i can't even tell you...

but i'm going to try. if you made a bookstore with a moonbounce in it, i would never leave. i would subsist on seasonal espresso drinks and literature and the physics of trapped air. there is nothing missing from that equation. it spells love in 4000 different spoken languages and nirvana in 2 dead languages. and if cute boys came to the bookstore, they would only do so after hearing the rumors about the little girl golem who lives between the shelves (ahem, me). then they would take some cellphone pictures and leave, but i might get their numbers and call them later whispering sweet nothings about jumping and james joyce and kitschy blank journals. anyway, according to HJNTIY, you're not supposed to call boys' numbers. so i lose.


courtesy of Flickr and YoChicago

more losing:

earlier, i was exiting my coworkers office and i sort of tipped over sideways and fell into the door frame. then i said, "someone's still not awake this morning!" without a trace of irony.

even more losing:

i have a cake addiction! i am often caked out, doing lines of cake and/or cavorting with the frosted lady. my friends call me a cakehead. the crack equivalent of cake is cake batter.


cakebaby. it starts young.
courtesy of Gad2 and Lehigh University

loser hall of shame:

i leaked pad thai juice all over my bag. it was the equivalent of exxon-valdez. oil is still coming out of everything i own. millions of carrots perished in the spill and thousands of bean sprouts were rendered homeless. lunch still, despite the odds, proved delicious.


courtesy of Flickr and Desert Modernism

a tiny win for teamparna: i told a comedian he looks like a giant baby yesterday. because he does.

Sir, I Have a Grievance!

some old classmates of mine once listed some first-world problems on their weblogs, i.e. somewhat trivial problems that bespeak first-world country residency.

well, i would like to make my own category today for those of us lucky enough to have found jobs because i realize it's not that easy, having been recently unemployed myself.

job + problems = JOBLEMS

subcategory: CUBLEMS -- i.e. problems you only have at an office 9-5 job where you live in a cube.

-- things falling off desk constantly
possible solution: stop putting everything everything near the edge of the desk.
resolution? unlikely.

-- dead cubicle plant
possible solution: stop watering plant with coffee/get special plant lamp.
resolution? very unlikely.

-- wrist pain from keyboard to hand angle.
possible solution: ergonomic keyboard.
resolution? not happening.

-- lack of cube space due to old files in boxes
possible solution: mail boxes to storage company. first procure mailing labels.
resolution? I AM SO ON THIS.

-- office kitchen lacks plastic forks.
possible solution: stock them yourself.
resolution? no thanks.


home sweet home.
courtesy of Flickr and Useless Photos by Goferboy

people should share their own joblems! or findingajoblems! or studblems (i.e., student + problems)!

The Day After: A(t) Work in Three Parts

parte uno: trabajo

so. i'm at work today along with a tiny ounce of the rest of the working population.

no one else in my entire department is here.

i am, however, sitting next to a dead plant, a kind present to me that was alive not but 2 weeks ago. i think that perfectly sums up the day. i can't even keep an organic being visibly alive in my cubicle let alone any kind of spirit of free enterprise and/or puritan work ethic! yeah i said it.


courtesy of Mover's Directory

i did try to water it with coffee. apparently, no one appreciates a good hazelnut latte anymore. ungrateful gerbera plant.

breaking news: the plant has apparently reincarnated into a persistent tiny blind fly. i wish i could love it the same. but i'll tell you what: i can't.

parte dos: los hombres

i am really into my estrogen right now. boys seem like an unappetizing kitschy present that goes in the back of the closet to be regifted to people who are chores, not delights on my "To Buy For" list. girls, by contrast, are the new Nintendo Wii.

seriously, until boys come out with some new features like "automatic whatever" and/or "simulation capacity anything" and/or "virtual howzit," i'm recycling any/all catalogues received from Testosterone & Co. even if there's a 75% 'everything goes' clearance sale.

now howze about it, big guy, where's my:

stepford upgrade (better than ever),

power-steering (can be directed),

antilock braking (not emotionally frigid),

skid-controlling (can handle stress),

telescopic steering + adjustable pedalling (stable but flexible),

side airbagging (safe),

onstar system-containing (smart),

gps-navigating (doesn't actually ever need to ask for directions),

dvd playing in the back (entertaining but not a ham),

roadside assistance (not afraid to ask for help),

with remote keyless entry (to his heart)

man of steel (keeps it toned, naw mean)?


boys need to get with the program.
courtesy of Flickr and Phil Romans

parte tres: cosas

oh so yesterday while driving back from worcester, ma where a cheeriest non-denom commercial xmas was spent indeed, somewhere around hour 4.5 in jersey, i signed a BFF contract with my mother. who knows how it happened? i feel like brit when she got married in vegas while on a life bender. well, actually not that bad. i feel pretty good about it actually.

anyway, here was the first inside joke we shared last night as newly appointed BFFs.

i was watching a bollywood movie the other day, and it was in hindi as most bollywood movies tend to be. anyway, the english subtitles were among the worst translations i've ever seen for any foreign film ever.

here was the best subtitle from the film:

prostitute #1: where is sultan?
prostitute's pimp: yes, where is sultan?
prostitute #2: oh. the sultan go back to palace. he want to be lonely.

i think, and i'm really going out on a limb here, perhaps it meant to say "he wants to be alone."

anyway. now my mother and i have faux-fights where we just yell at each other, "excuse me! was i talking to you? please just leave me lonely!"


this man is thinking 'please leave me lonely!'
courtesy of Flickr and Howksie

as can be said of most inside jokes shared by BFFs everywhere, it is definitively "omg too funny!!!"

happy day-after-holidays to you and yours!

Sundays with Small One

conversations with a small one--

small one: do you want a love?
me: what's a love?
small one: a love is a kiss!
me: yes! i want a love!
*small one gently kisses me on the cheek*
me: that was nice.
small one: girls love love!
me: and boys?
small one: boys love cars!

and later...

me: you should eat some cereal for breakfast.
small one: no, i don't like it.
me: what do you like?
small one: i love cookies!
me: ME TOO.
small one: i love junx [sic] food.
me: ME TOO.
small one: i love to eat cookies.
me: how many did you eat yesterday?
small one: i don't know? *shrugging dismissively*
me: i think you ate 500.
small one: yes. i did.
me: well, i ate 5000 last week.
small one: *nodding in appreciation*

i look forward to more conversations with small one but right now, she is mad at me because i sent her away so i could take a shower.

small one: i don't like that girl [me] any more. she wouldn't let me watch tv upstairs!

OH SMALL ONE! i'll win you back!

what is it about youth?











photos courtesy of Flickr and Foto_morgana

happy holidays to all.

more fodder for thought

Stocking Stuffer: Voice Modulation Tapes

yesterday i wanted to watch a real world:denver racial brawl on TV, not because i planned it but because it just happened to be there and it was in your face and real and the best television you can get these days.

my dad protested because of the noise and sounds of tension emanating from the storybox.

so i peacefully passed over remote control to him. i didn't want to start nothing.

he proceeded to put on the money channel in which one mr. jim cramer, a "crazy" stock analyst proceeded to YELL good investment options at his viewers, occasionally pausing for breath or to mutter things like "COME ON, PEOPLE!" or "HEYyyyyyyyy, NEXT CALLER!!"


someone's excited about bulls and bears!
courtesy of Media Bistro

don't worry. i didn't waste the opportunity.

using some 7th grade science equipment, i measured the sound waves captured from both programs and also the movie "Carrie," which was playing on the sci fi channel, and i have concluded that financial analyst jim cramer advising on where you can put your dollars easily trumps a racial rumble on the real world as well as a supernatural horror movie in both overall noise chaos, measured in yells per second, and amount of stress created in viewer, measured in sweat droplets on forehead.

just in case you were wondering.

also incidentally, cramer preaches: best buy is the new circuit city.

i think all cramers and kramers like to put the scare in people.

courtesy of WSB TV

and no i didn't write this entire blog so i could make that joke. but nice try.

Aggregator of Semi-Scintillating Information

i wanted you guys to know that today's lesson is sometimes the WIRETAPPER GETS WIRETAPPED. that's what happened to me today. and boy did it put the scare in me. you have no idea. when the stalker gets stalked, it's like HOO HEY no fair! who gave you that information!?


courtesy of Flickr and Wikipedia

and then you crawl back into your dimly lit basement and pretend it never happened as you continue reading zach braff's blog.

item of second importance learned today: Moths Drink the Tears of Sleeping Birds

(thank you comic Diana Saez who was too tired to blog about it)

item of third importance learned today: A Search for Ourselves by Sara Goo. not only is Sara Goo my favorite Washington Post reporter (her name does the trick!) but she writes that Paris Hilton was the most Googled person/place/thing of 2006 followed by Orlando Bloom...and then cancer. man! what doesn't that say?


what am i up to?
courtesy of Flickr and The Celebrity Blog

fodder for people who think occasionally: The Sandbox (blog from soldiers in Iraq and Afghanistan)

I'm Taking Back My Life! And My Stuff!

so. not. cool.

i just got ambushed in the office kitchen...BY AN APPLE PIE.

it's not even 11 o'clock, for diabete's sakes!

99% OF AN APPLE PIE. with one tiny slice missing. its folded crust and gooey chunky apple stuffing gently petting my eyes...


courtesy of Flickr and SunshineCooking

i have no choice but to see this as an all-out declaration of war.

i now can't go a day without 2-3 kinds of desserty syrup glaze coating my entire esophageal and stomach lining. THIS MUST END NOW.

i can't remember the last time i had something like a sandwich. i mean one that that didn't have ice cream smothered between its crumbly chocolate layers.

listen to me! i'm sick!

blast. i've reverted entirely to a diet of party food morsels. i can feel my body disintegrating into lesser materials. new aches and pains! shortness of breath. but no. i can fight pie-yer with pie-yer.

punleash the steamed vegetables and gently flavored tofu! i'm taking back my palate. y'hear me, highly refined sugars and corn syrup and partially hydrogenated trans fats?! there is a place for you in my life but you wanted more than i could offer! MORE THAN I WAS PREPARED TO GIVE.

take back your toothbrush, your mix tapes, your extra warm sweatshirt...

my heart beats less cloggy without you.

My Other Earring Is Just Not That Into Me

aghhhhhhhhhhhh.

i'm trying to down a giant cup of tasteless cold caramel espresso drink and a giant cup of vitamin soup (to prevent potential illness) at the same time and they both must be finito by go time. one is making me falsely awake (so awake that i might just pass out...it's a weird state) and the other is making me extremely immunized, at least from the perspective of alternative medicine.

alternative medicine is like the indie rock of the medical world. yeah it might not work, but hey! at least we got an identity, posers! and if you sway your head and just feel it, just work with it, just go...with...it, dag nabbit, something will heal inside.

anyway. let's get to the main points of the agenda.

1) i lost an earring. normally i wouldn't care. i have 7 piercings total in both my ears, and from a cup half full angle, one earring doesn't seem like much of a casualty. except that the one i lost has a symmetrical partner in the other ear. and i might not be very put together but dammit, once i have asymmetrical lobe jewelry, well then, you really need to call in social services! i mean, c'mon, i have a 9-5 job and a cubicle! i better be able to show up to work with a pair of earrings instead of one lonely awkward one.

where is your BFF?!
courtesy of Flickr and Beckmann's Bakery in Santa Cruz

2) how did i lose the earring? because my parents! my PARENTS! my caretakers of yore made me drive out to countrytownbooneyville yesterday to see a dentist. aren't you supposed to go closer to cities to get good medical/dental care and not farther away from them? yeah that's what i thought too. anyway, by the time i got there (after sitting in 2+ hours of traffic) and composed myself, it was basically already prewritten in stone that i was going to lose an earring. and also my sense of humor about dentists.

3) i read he's just not that into you by greg behrendt and liz tuccillo yesterday. i just wanted to read the first chapter but then i couldn't stop. and today i couldn't stop preaching its advice to anyone who would listen to me. basically, guys have to make all the moves and actions speak louder than words ever can. and there are a lot of sucky guys out there so you'll keep wanting to settle, but once you find the right one, you'll realize good guys exist too and they make you their number one priority. blah blah. nothing sensational but also the nice slap in the face i needed to get on a soapbox and never get off ever. i might have trouble having my own opinions, but i have no trouble spreading other peoples' opinions with gusto.

4) cookies are in again. they were out for 5 minutes but these sugar things appeared in the office kitchen and i tried one and it was like a magical stew of self-esteem and hugs. so yeah. it basically told me all the secrets of life including how to collate paper with more dexterity.

oh hello my pretties!
courtesy of Flickr and Sunni Sister: Blahg Blahg Blahg

OH AND FOR THOSE WHO READ TO THE END, the poonanza was a great spectacle of festive hubbly-jooblyness. thanks to all who sat in the audience chairs and everyone who pranced onstage and all the technical woogity woogity folk. it was great jollies for everyone, including me. so kudos bars for that.

In Which I Try to Make a Dubious Point

well i think i'm going to try and express an opinion today. it's not something i'm using to doing a lot. but i'm going to give it a whirl. bear with me. who knows if i'll even get through it all. i'm not used to these kinds of things.

anyway, today's topic is 'can men and women be just friends?'

arguing in favor: aparna.

here is my argument.

yes, heterosexual men and heterosexual women can just be friends...(but here's the clincher)...with each other.

exhibit a: brother and sister.
they are just friends, some are close and some are not so close. but i think we can successfully argue that they are not ALL repressing some kind of sexual tension. otherwise, everyone would commit incest or, at least, it would occur at a higher documented rate. i have no research to back up this statement nor any general incest statistics, which would probably be useful in bringing up the subject at all. anyway, granted male-female siblings are bound by blood pool and not any desire to have a relationship with each other, but in many cases, they seem to acknowledge each other and even occasionally speak well of each other.

friends until the end!
courtesy of Flickr and Phitar

exhibit b: man and sister-in-law and/or woman and brother-in-law.
they are just friends, sometimes not friends! but i think we can successfully argue there is no repressed sexual tension and though they are bound by forced family relations, they often are ok watching football games together and/or eating pie and/or whatever families do. once again, i have no statistics to back up my suppositions. mostly hearsay and wives' tales. not all the wives are old.

this looks like good, friendly fun
courtesy of Flickr and JMUgrad04

exhibit c: girl and her father.
ok there are cases of abuse. but there is also the popular societal term "daddy's girl" in which there exists a loving father-daughter relationship with no hanky panky or stanky clanky. this is a pretty solid argument so far.

intensity runs in the family
courtesy of Flickr and Jorb

exhibit d: former boyfriend and girlfriend.
this is the trickiest exhibit of all. and most would argue it's impossible to sustain this one. UNLESS the reason the pair broke up, hopefully after a short but revealing woo period, is they realized they have more of a brother-sister relationship than a romantic one. in which case, i refer you to the flawless rhetoric diagrammed in exhibit a.

so there you have it. men and women can be friends. please refer any questions or disagreement to my face. i will probably agree with you.

ok. that was exhausting. no more opinions until 2007. or maybe the 2008 elections.

I Am Currently in Rehab at the Betty Crocker Clinic...Wokka Wokka!

i feel hideous about my cookie OD today. what was i thinking? what has become of me? do i control the amount of cookies i put in my body or do the cookies control me? they have done me wrong but i did them wrong first by treating them so casually, so recreationally. stomachache, nausea, dizziness...from cookies?! you bet. i can't even look one in the eye anymore. and yet a part of me still wants one...so bad.

NO NO NO. i have a life to live. detox. and we'll all be better people at the end of this debacle. maybe i'll even become a public speaker once i've been "clean" for a week. anyway, sitting here with a sack of them at my feet beckoning me, whispering to me, seducing me with their winking sprinkles, is the hardest thing i've ever battled...after shopping for my secret santa.


later that day, little abby sue admitted she had a problem
courtesy of Flickr and Krazy Dad

ok i feel a smidgeon better. my coworker just told me her boyfriend ate 5 dozen cookies over the course of a day that she had baked for his family. 5 DOZEN COOKIES.
it's not the number as much as the fact that they were in 4 separate tins. and he had to consciously crack open each one and say "yes i will indulge, thank you."

recent phone exchange:
me: thank you so much!
delightful artists agency male receptionist: you too!

you too is the new you're welcome.

in the OMG STFU news:

new york times--12/14/06:

"Circumcision appears to reduce a man’s risk of contracting AIDS from heterosexual sex by half, United States government health officials said yesterday, and the directors of the two largest funds for fighting the disease said they would consider paying for circumcisions in high-risk countries."

...

"Uncircumcised men are thought to be more susceptible because the underside of the foreskin is rich in Langerhans cells, sentinel cells of the immune system, which attach easily to the human immunodeficiency virus, which causes AIDS. The foreskin also often suffers small tears during intercourse."

wait for it...wait for it...

"But experts also cautioned that circumcision is no cure-all. It only lessens the chances that a man will catch the virus; it is expensive compared to condoms, abstinence or other methods; and the surgery has serious risks if performed by folk healers using dirty blades, as often happens in rural Africa."

ready??

"Circumcision is 'not a magic bullet, but a potentially important intervention,' said Dr. Kevin M. De Cock, director of H.I.V./AIDS for the World Health Organization."

IN YOUR FACE!!!

yeah, the director of HIV/AIDS for the WHO commenting on circumcision and look at his last name!!! de-cock. the amount that this makes me happy speaks volumes about my priorities in life.


high five!
courtesy of PROnews

My Dealer Is the Doughboy

i don't even know who i am anymore. this day! oh this day! *shaking fist in air*

my secret santa did however present me with a copy of He's Just Not That Into You today. i was so happy. i just want to read it in public all the time and wave it around like a born-again girl yelling "SO TRUE!" and "it's like it was written just for me!" and "preach it, greg!" and "awwww-men!" (that last one actually entitles you to one free virtual punching of me)

i have ODed on caffeine and sugar though when i could have opted for a nice bowl of steaming iceberg lettuce soup today. so now i can't even walk a straight line. the world is oscillating a bit, etc etc. fainting low self-esteem etc.

WHY am i so ANTSY?!
courtesy of Flickr and Dave Landry

i have been surrounded by some unbelievably good looking men on the street recently. easily as dashing as any models i've seen. i don't know where they come from in their long peacoats and their perfectly tousled hair but they need to keep up the good work (with the good looks). i'll keep up my end of the bargain by being awkward, walking crooked and looking lost. cuz that's what i do.

WE HAD OUR COOKIE EXCHANGE at work today though and i now possess 78 cookies, in various shapes, ethnicities, textures and styles plus many gently amusing baking anecdotes involving marital quibbles, broken cuisinarts and head-butting cats (named zidane? yes please). but all were delicious. it was the UN summit of cookies and estrogen anecdotes. everyone in the cookie exchange was a girl.

anyway, i now have to parcel all mine out to any takers but in the meantime, while i was sitting here, i DEFINITELY ate a few too many and will probably deliver a 20 lb. diabetic baby made of shortening, egg yolks, lemon extract, powdered sugar and crushed brazil nuts later tonight. and no, that's not a poop reference. it's a baby metaphor reference so you all can just stop scribbling in your dirty thoughts diaries right now.

my stomach is not currently speaking to my brain
courtesy of Flickr and Aileron

in conclusion, we are doomed to repeat facing the decisions we couldn't make in the first place. that sounded so much wiser in my head. my foggy foggy head.

in spiritual news, there was a dancing xmas display that was a pretty clear sign from a higher being today. it was motion sensitive and it involved a hip-swishing polar bear with two twirling penguin back up singer-dancers. and it stopped. then i wiggled. then it started up again. i'm pretty sure that means something. in at LEAST 5 different languages, one of them being wingdings.

if i took a "what font are you?" quiz, this would be it.
courtesy of Identifont

Who Needs Friends When You Have Bad Taste?

i know nothing about fashion. so today when my fashionista friend asked me for advice on what shoes to wear with her little black dress, stupidparna naively suggested, "black shoes?"

WRONG.
WRONG.
WRooooooooooNGuhhhhhhh!

the supermodels in the sky said..."how much do we think you are a fashion dunce? let us count the ways!" and thus i have been sentenced to a lifetime of burlap sack tunics, felt leggings and teva's. seriously, how could i be such an idiot? who wears black with black? what is this, the dark ages?!

if you didn't pick up on the sarcasm, i have no idea what is so insane about wearing black shoes with a black dress but apparently i'm the minority here. actually i'm the minority everywhere except india. no even there because i was born here and most of themze was born there. so everywhere! everywhere i am the underrepresented. i need some affirmative action for fashion.


heidi klum says: my eyes! my eyes!
courtesy of Flickr and KacciukPhoto

SWEET MOLLY MALONE! i came up with a way to make friends with people at the office. since the people who work here already have their friends, i'm now targeting all the new hires. when they look lost, i show them the way. when they look confused, i listen to their grievances. they're gonna really like me or be creeped out. in any case, by hook or by snook, i will have a lunch partner by spring!

there is a man in my office who talks like a muppet. it is the most wonderful thing i have ever heard. too bad i can't take him seriously. too bad NO ONE can take him seriously. especially when he says things like "turnaround time" and "rough estimate." imagine if grover said things like "turnaround time" and "rough estimate." you'd be rolling! we all would be. it's just something that is, like the water cycle.


great photo, mediocre caption
courtesy of Flickr and Citizen Jim

yay for secret santas everywhere! except for me! yay yay yay yay yay yay.

Going for Broke(n Holiday Spirits)

secret santa is some tough stuff. i went shopping for mine yesterday and i got all panty-twisted about it. not even regular panty-twisted, like giant diaper-bundled. and trust me, i know that giant diaper bundle is purely theoretical panty physics at this point in undie science.

anyway, no present seemed right, adequate or even slightly acceptable.

maybe it's because no one ever knows their secret santa pairing that well. it's just one of the basic facts of life similar to the fact that lightning shocks people.


basically all secret santa presents are variations of this thing.
courtesy of Flickr and Lucyharding

anyway, i thought about not trying at all, but then i remembered getting bad presents from the ghost of secret santas past. the feeling was akin to the image of a sack of wet dirt being thrown by the handful at an earnest hopeful heart until it falls to the ground, beating yet beaten.

anyway, my friend who accompanied me yesterday can vouch for my lack of shopping prowess. we had to take a breather and sit down and massage our callouses and say affirmations (i.e., "i have good credit", "i can pick out books", "i can point out a knick-knack", etc.) for a good ten minutes before anything made sense again. the mall at this time of year can really mess you up.


den of sin
courtesy of Flickr

in more well-balanced news, my office secret santa got me a plant-uh. too bad it's not gonna last. its so innocent and happy. little does it know that i can't even hydrate and sun myself let alone someone else.


foreshadowing, sort of.
courtesy of Flickr and Daydreamscream

also, i lost a battle with a block of cornbread today. the scars are palpable.

Remember When I Used to Make Sense?

me neither.

i brought a giant glass bottle of perrier to work today, which i directly swigged occasionally, burping in between. i like drinking it so fast that the carbon dioxide bubbles burn my throat and i run out of air and i have to slam the bottle down gasping. i am reckless about things like breathing and hydrating.


i had to cut myself off
courtesy of Flickr and Alexik

hey guess what? temperatures are cold enough that they mark the return of ninja snot.

ninja snot is the snot you don't even know is on your face because you can't feel your face until you perceive a gentle tickling on your cheek, and suddenly you realize there's a river rushing straight from your nose cascading around your mouth and across your cheek then off your chin into oblivion where it dangles...dangles...dannnnnngles....


oh they're very good, the snot ninjas are...
courtesy of Shawnimals

in conclusion, ninja snot is somewhat useless for anything except making you look like a giant neglected baby.

i saw a lady with a coat the size of a sleeping bag today and the same insulation capacity. it went from her hood all the way to her shoes. and i was like "man now that's some coat."


it's like the coat ate her...
courtesy of Foundmark

i feel like i'm just coming off a two week bender of cake and computer screen. i feel like i've hit rock bottom and i'm seeing myself in the mirror for the first time: greasy hair, vacant eyes, dry throat. plus someone stamped "REHAB" on my forehead. suddenly everyone's a comedian.

One of the Benefits at My Job is Diabesity

my friend sent this to me in an email entitled "cockface":

WHY WOMEN AREN'T FUNNY

no but seriously, READ IT AND TELL ME HOW YOU FEEL. try and get through it even though it is chockful of GRE words and uppity noseness. anyway, i neither agree nor disagree entirely, but i do know that this guy isn't very funny, even if he doesn't represent the rest of his group. in fact, he is dry as a sack of dead skin in the wintertime. why are articles about humor always so boring?


the sad gender
courtesy of Flickr and Radioflyer007

but i think people have argued similar things over males v. females in countless art forms...writing, poetry, drama, needlepoint, glassblowing...et cetters!

~~~

well, in case, you wanted new news, all i can tell you is go back to finishing school.

can you imagine starting finishing school? the wordplay is living room wall display frame-able.

yeah so guess what? i acquired cake at 11:30am today. it was someone in the art department's birthday. actually i couldn't go through with it right away. it spent an hour or two staring at me on a fancy holiday party paper plate with poinsettias framing the outside as i attempted to work under its carby gaze. shortly thereafter, my spirit shattered, and i devoured it with no remorse.

meanwhile, ALL DAY, the 6th floor office kitchen was laden with an assorted tray of muffins and sweet breads. then i get an email that the 3rd floor office kitchen is stocked with BBQ leftovers...(winter BBQ? i'm not even going to question that). so everyone is walking around with plates full of stuffed pheasant and roasted quail eggs.

THEN we had another mandatory 2 p.m. cake call (like a fire drill in our company).

i'm starting to have nightmares about baked goods. armies of brownies running towards me waiting to launch themselves into my mouth. being suffocated by pillows made of cookies. giant cakes falling towards me like anvils from the sky. cranberry-walnut bread demons. and the siren call of eggnog. i turn a corner, any corner, and someone is coming towards me with a freshly stocked tray.


yelp.
courtesy of Flickr and Blakefacey

Where Does Cake End and Life Begin?

i feel like work is starting to blend with life. and life is starting to blend with work. and a thin princess named sanity skips and frolics between the two.

in any case, i'm filled to the nubbins with gingerbread cake, plantain chips, pie, banana bread, tiramisu, cookies, brownies and those half-breed cookie bars. confound it all!

today was LEARNING DAY at work. every department had to make a display of how their department contributes to our overall organization and then you had to visit all the departments and learn something about each department. and just like when you did projects and presentations in middle and high school, candy and food = happy participants/audience.

i was plied with so much free stuff and calories, i can no longer think straight. every department also had some sort of a quiz with questions and if you answered them all correctly, you were entered in a little raffle to win prizes usually in the form of gift cards.

you all will be proud to know i won absolutely nothing.

there was slight malice towards some departments that "always win," or in the case of the IT department, declined to participate at all.

anyway my cube is starting to make the afterhours noises (scary ones you can only hear after everyone leaves) and tomorrow there is more cake. so i better head home and rest up for that.


the phenomenon known as cake at work
courtesy of Flickr and Paulannett

If Time Is Money, I Am Homeless

in an unprecendented cameo by the duke of ironyshire, i am staying at work super late to finish taking a mandatory online course.

we all had to take an online course of our choice [offered through my work] today because it's EMPLOYEE LEARNING WEEK. it sounds cheesy but we get cake on thursday so SHUT UP.

anyway, ready for this? my online course was on "Effectively Managing Your Time." yeah, i know, did it just hit you right in the gut? the irony on that thing is DEADLY. like rock star deadly, not like copperhead snake deadly, you sadists.

anyway, i know you guys suck at time management too so here is my random act of kindness for the day further making me late in all things i hope to accomplish this tuesday evening, and in life.


feeling stressed?! look no further!
courtesy of JALMC

THINGS I LEARNED FROM MY TIME MANAGEMENT ONLINE COURSE THAT I HAD TO STAY LATE AT WORK AND TAKE BECAUSE I HAVE BAD TIME MANAGEMENT

by APARNA

we'll begin with a quote by M. Scott Peck
"Until you value yourself, you will not value your time. Until you value your time, you will not do anything with it."

wise words, peck! keep 'em coming! who are you anyway?

First Words in the Course: "Are you running your job, or is your job running you?"

touche, computah!!! i don't like what you're insinuating though especially as it is 7p.m. and i am still at work.

the course taught me to make a BOSS ATTACK LIST.

doesn't that sound appealing? it's a list of things that you will attack for your boss so that when they try and make you do more work RIGHT AWAY, you show them the list and they say "oh my bad! why don't you squeeze it in after your mandatory 2p.m. company neck massage but only if you have time?" and you say "yesssss, that suits me just fine, puddin'!!!"

The course also taught me the FIVE KILLER WORDS: "let me look into it." this is when you assign something to your employees (i have zero, thanks for asking) and they come back and say "this is hard. i can't doooo it" and you say...(ominous music)..."ok let me look into it." and then you end up doing their work for them and you end up taking online courses afterhours on how to effectively schedule your time. THIS EVIL HARPY is called reverse delegation!!!

other things i learned: the PRIORITY MATRIX!!! woot woot. give it up for him. he has four quadrants to categorize tasks from low to high urgency and low to high importance.

category 1 = DO IT NOW, YOU LAZY SOW!!!
category 2 = PLAN FOR IT...SEND AN EVITE TO YOURSELF TO DO IT LATER.
category 3 = DON'T YOU DROP EVERYTHING FOR THIS GUY (TRICKY!!!)
category 4 = MINDNUMBING COMA TASKS

my favorite part of the course was this: its coverage of "blurting."

"Blurting is speaking out anything that comes into your mind at that time without realizing that it may or may not be of interest to anyone around you. The insidious process of 'blurting' is one of the greatest destroyers of productivity in the United States today."

The way to combat blurting is to write everything you want to say to everybody down in a "save up" notebook (i'm not kidding) and tell it to people at various scheduled points during the day.

lastly, you have prime time, which is your peak productivity periods for the day, and down time, your low energy zombie periods of the day. you're supposed to schedule your demanding tasks for your prime time and your easy tasks for your down time.

but get this...

"However, if your down times are from 8 to 5, you've got another problem."

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

plus there were all these role plays with ethnic employees making sad and frustrated and burned out "i don't know how to manage time" faces. so i could really relate.

anyway, you're welcome guys.


we can manage time! high-five!
courtesy of Simplenomics

now if you'll excuse me, i have to go be inexcusably late for something. i wish i was kidding.

Cheerios in Drag

i'm just updating for a stoopid reason. i went to the grocery store and nearly had a panic attack in the cereal aisle.

what is this?


courtesy of Quaker Oatmeal

and what is this?


courtesy of Shop Food Ex

if there were a novel about my life, this day would mark my coming of age.

hot oatmeal but crunchy?

froot loops masquerading as cheerios?

next you'll be telling me james bond is a blonde.


courtesy of Flickr and ecb29

oh my stars.

on a secondary note...

the national arboretum makes me want to talk to plants, and tell them if they get an education they won't end up in a brothel pandering their petals to n'er-do-wells with coolpix cameras.

seriously, can you name an azalea "wee willie" or "la belle helene" and not expect some kind of backlash?


oh my sluts
courtesy of Flickr and More Detail About Azalea

none of this makes sense but as you can see it's after midnight so it's perfectly legal.

'Fess Up to Your Good Deed, Lil Jon!

it's cold again after an indian summer to rival them all (70 degrees in december and all the trimmings and fixings included therein).

so seemingly...

someone fixed the environment! g'job g'job! jazzhands all around.

maybe collectively the entire hiphop generation simultaneously purchased and displayed enough ice that everything cooled off some, son.


courtesy of Flickr and Hattie C in the Place to Be

in other news, i'm a shadow of the shadow i formerly was!
all it took was several hours of estrogen-laced activity with special cameos by bread pudding, late-night phonecalls, wearing other people's clothes, anthropomorphizing male body parts and plant life.

"you're never too old for space camp, dude!" -- stranger than fiction

in debriefing the weekend with my doctor parents...

dad: your mother saved someone's life this weekend.

mom: well, i did my best.

me: well i had a crazy weekend too! someone said i wasn't funny and then i was all sad about it but then i thought about it and i was like it's ok i gotta still try and then i dug down and even though i was still like worried and upset and freaking out, i still "got back on the horse" but it wasn't glamorous or anything despite how it sounds.

dad: that's great. did i mention your mother saved someone's life this weekend, and in the process didn't sleep and didn't eat and basically threw her whole self heart and soul into the process of saving lives?

me: uh huh. oh and also, i saw a movie! it was riveting and punchy and insightful.

you can't really win these conversations so i try and blow my normalcy out of the water.


watch a movie, save a life...maybe? maybe not so much.
courtesy of the National Security Agency