I decided to sit at the communal table in this coffee shop because I wanted to be part of the solution. But instead this is the place where nobody has private convos, or is seemingly here to accomplish anything except talk inappropriately loudly about their Kickstarter project. Everybody looks around occasionally to make sure you are aware of them, and constantly shifts on these group benches so that the sequel to the Industrial Revolution is but a lucid fever dream.
Someone's phone alarm just went off to remind her to be more annoying.
Near me, a woman eats veggie chili like it matters. I have no issue with her. She looks like she doesn't believe in Kindles.
Actually, a woman at the other end is yell-whispering to her colleague nee frenemy. This is what she just said: "I've seen how hard you work for other people. I've seen how hard you work for yourself. You're just a little freakyass nerd."
Then she excused herself citing "I have to get a Twizzler."
And the bench weight shifts and my coffee shudders and the appropriated world music CD plays on...
A poster in the corner melodramatically reads "This too shall pass" as if to say "I'm just a dorm room conversation starter. What do I know?!?"
There is also a cat walking around like he is about to fire all of us for existing. I couldn't agree more.
Monday, March 19, 2012
Sunday, March 04, 2012
Gettin' Sketchy With It
Wanted to share two funtastic sketches I got to be a part of that just made their World Wide Webuts, written by two lovely & hilarious ladyfaces.
1. Miss Wallflower USA, written by Tia Ayers
2. A Little Girl Talk, written by Honora Talbott
Carry on, figurative bellhops!
1. Miss Wallflower USA, written by Tia Ayers
2. A Little Girl Talk, written by Honora Talbott
Carry on, figurative bellhops!
Thursday, March 01, 2012
Leap Day: The Stunning Conclusion
ACT I: Toot Sweet
Conversation with Boyfriend (Taped in front of a live studio audience of dust motes):
Me: Did you fart?
Him: Yes, but over here.
Me: Oh good. I thought there was a gas leak.
Him: What!
Me: The entire atmosphere changed.
ACT II: Next Level Real Talk
THIS VIDEO WALKED UP TO MY LIFE & SAID "DEAL WITH THIS." THEN MY EYES & EARS WERE LIKE "WE ARE NOT WORTHY." PASS IT ON & 10 OF YOUR FRIENDS WILL EXPERIENCE MANIFEST DESTINY.
The production value is Linsane (This is how people talk now. Get with it, spambots!), not to mention the pitch-perfect soundtrack. Basically, this is the voice of the Latest Generation.
Conversation with Boyfriend (Taped in front of a live studio audience of dust motes):
Me: Did you fart?
Him: Yes, but over here.
Me: Oh good. I thought there was a gas leak.
Him: What!
Me: The entire atmosphere changed.
ACT II: Next Level Real Talk
THIS VIDEO WALKED UP TO MY LIFE & SAID "DEAL WITH THIS." THEN MY EYES & EARS WERE LIKE "WE ARE NOT WORTHY." PASS IT ON & 10 OF YOUR FRIENDS WILL EXPERIENCE MANIFEST DESTINY.
The production value is Linsane (This is how people talk now. Get with it, spambots!), not to mention the pitch-perfect soundtrack. Basically, this is the voice of the Latest Generation.
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
I AM LEARNING AND GROWING!!!
The people in the apartment above me are singing, stomping, and rolling marbles like it’s a GREAT DAY, but they forgot there’s an apartment below them where it is A HARD DAY.
It's really the marbles that I'm taking issue with. Who celebrates with MARBLES?! I mean, at the very least, we need to be friends PRONTO STAT.
Today I learned about myself if I can't get a FedEx package open, I will sit with it for awhile, helpless, occasionally telling it, "C'mon, you're better than this."
LET'S SEE WHAT HAPPENS LET THE CARDS FALL WHERE THEY MAY
"It's anybody's game!!!" said the knife in the kitchen pointedly.
It's really the marbles that I'm taking issue with. Who celebrates with MARBLES?! I mean, at the very least, we need to be friends PRONTO STAT.
Today I learned about myself if I can't get a FedEx package open, I will sit with it for awhile, helpless, occasionally telling it, "C'mon, you're better than this."
LET'S SEE WHAT HAPPENS LET THE CARDS FALL WHERE THEY MAY
"It's anybody's game!!!" said the knife in the kitchen pointedly.
I am gaining my marbles! Let's hope that signifies growth.
Courtesy of Flickr and bucklava
Saturday, December 31, 2011
B's Alwayz Red Dottin' on Gchat Tho
B keeps it business casual in emails. Mishy keeps it real.
Also, TOILER ALERT: I'm looking for a job as a monster. But y'all had a hunch, I'm sure.
Sunday, December 25, 2011
A New Spice Channel?
I am at home looking over the brink of a precipice, and I know that if I jump, there is no return. Let me clarify: My parents are watching the 2011 British Curry Awards on the telly.
Here is the 4-1-1 via their website (that's right, big time): "This year’s British Curry Awards exceeded all expectations, and showed why this continues to be the most significant event of its kind on the spice industry calendar."
Yes, you and me both didn't know about them. But now we do, and are sworn to the opposite of secrecy.
It is everything you could dreamscape and more: tuxes, big spectacle of a theater, montage of the year's advancements in curry and restaurant stemware, though surprisingly bland acceptance speeches considering everything the nominees have been through already (Try telling people you are a professional curry, just try! You'll see, you'll all see!)
Much to everyone's horrified delight, in between awards distribution, there was a breakdance performance performed by what looked like a World Cup soccer team, which felt appropriately global. There was also a comedian who did a 45-SECOND set, during which he covered the injustice of fruit and the difficulty of cheese. Cruel network! The biggest upset of the night was that there was no Spice Girl Reunion against all odds.
One guest said it best: "How could you not enjoy an evening like this?" Truly, magically rhetorical.
And a personal plug here. Big ups to BEST CURRY IN THE SOUTHWEST: Spice Lodge in Chelton!!! I was rooting for you from the moment they announced you won!
That's it for the breaking edge of spice reporting. Curry on, gentlefolks!
"Be the curry you wish to see in the world."-Chef Gandhi
Courtesy of Flickr and yajico
Here is the 4-1-1 via their website (that's right, big time): "This year’s British Curry Awards exceeded all expectations, and showed why this continues to be the most significant event of its kind on the spice industry calendar."
Yes, you and me both didn't know about them. But now we do, and are sworn to the opposite of secrecy.
It is everything you could dreamscape and more: tuxes, big spectacle of a theater, montage of the year's advancements in curry and restaurant stemware, though surprisingly bland acceptance speeches considering everything the nominees have been through already (Try telling people you are a professional curry, just try! You'll see, you'll all see!)
Much to everyone's horrified delight, in between awards distribution, there was a breakdance performance performed by what looked like a World Cup soccer team, which felt appropriately global. There was also a comedian who did a 45-SECOND set, during which he covered the injustice of fruit and the difficulty of cheese. Cruel network! The biggest upset of the night was that there was no Spice Girl Reunion against all odds.
One guest said it best: "How could you not enjoy an evening like this?" Truly, magically rhetorical.
And a personal plug here. Big ups to BEST CURRY IN THE SOUTHWEST: Spice Lodge in Chelton!!! I was rooting for you from the moment they announced you won!
That's it for the breaking edge of spice reporting. Curry on, gentlefolks!
No Fairport/Season's Gratings
SURPRISE!!! Here's that Yule Blog you all weren't expecting! Cue piñata burst of emotion!
I thought flying home on Christmas Eve would be a good idea. But everyone else had the same idea so I can no longer lay claim to it in that hushed, conspiratorial whisper used by spies & people inside a library.
It's bad enough that my airport shuttle driver handled the wheel like he was trying to break some kind of a record. The record being "Can you be an airport shuttle driver, but also audition for The Fast & The Furious franchise at the same time?"
Plus that airport was filled with kids! HUB? More like a HUBBUB, am I right, crickets?!?!
Sexy Tangent: What if Santa's elves looked like the elves from Lord of the Rings? He would feel so insecure. All lithe, lanky, and lyrical. Santa would be knocking things over all the time, and they'd be like "Our crystals! Not again. Please. Go eat with the reindeer. You're embarrassing the nature spirits." [AND SCENE.]
Oops, I was talking about kids and I got derailed with my life plans. Kids'll do that to you. They'll also enrich your life in ways you never dreamed Mission Possible. Tom Cruise knows. The couch knows. Oprah knows.
For example, this happened earlier today: A small girl at my gate was slowly eating chips & staring at me. HELLO SOCIAL WATERBOARDING. I was about to volunteer government secrets I didn't even have, like the Natural History Museum's Holiday Hours.
Boiler Alert: Nothing happened, other than that I boarded the plane and I sat next to a crying baby and in front of a Karate Kid (nonstop seat kicking). KIDS! Cue spaghetti face.
Thought I Had Earlier: Is it tacky if I buy everyone neck pillows from Hudson News? And by everyone, I mean myself. And by myself, I mean nobody. And by neck pillow, I mean Bugles.
Well, from me and this woman in a leopard print onesie/footie pajamas walking around the LA airport this morning like she subletted the place, HAPPY YMAS. Y? Because I said so!
Now if you'll excuse me, I must donate all my Fabergé eggs to pseudoscience.
Courtesy of Flickr and hectorir
I thought flying home on Christmas Eve would be a good idea. But everyone else had the same idea so I can no longer lay claim to it in that hushed, conspiratorial whisper used by spies & people inside a library.
It's bad enough that my airport shuttle driver handled the wheel like he was trying to break some kind of a record. The record being "Can you be an airport shuttle driver, but also audition for The Fast & The Furious franchise at the same time?"
Plus that airport was filled with kids! HUB? More like a HUBBUB, am I right, crickets?!?!
Sexy Tangent: What if Santa's elves looked like the elves from Lord of the Rings? He would feel so insecure. All lithe, lanky, and lyrical. Santa would be knocking things over all the time, and they'd be like "Our crystals! Not again. Please. Go eat with the reindeer. You're embarrassing the nature spirits." [AND SCENE.]
Oops, I was talking about kids and I got derailed with my life plans. Kids'll do that to you. They'll also enrich your life in ways you never dreamed Mission Possible. Tom Cruise knows. The couch knows. Oprah knows.
For example, this happened earlier today: A small girl at my gate was slowly eating chips & staring at me. HELLO SOCIAL WATERBOARDING. I was about to volunteer government secrets I didn't even have, like the Natural History Museum's Holiday Hours.
Boiler Alert: Nothing happened, other than that I boarded the plane and I sat next to a crying baby and in front of a Karate Kid (nonstop seat kicking). KIDS! Cue spaghetti face.
Courtesy of Flickr and Tobyotter
Thought I Had Earlier: Is it tacky if I buy everyone neck pillows from Hudson News? And by everyone, I mean myself. And by myself, I mean nobody. And by neck pillow, I mean Bugles.
Well, from me and this woman in a leopard print onesie/footie pajamas walking around the LA airport this morning like she subletted the place, HAPPY YMAS. Y? Because I said so!
Now if you'll excuse me, I must donate all my Fabergé eggs to pseudoscience.
Courtesy of Flickr and greenacre8
Saturday, November 19, 2011
Little Shop of Distracting Horrors
I am sitting in a bookstore/coffee shop doing some "work." I put work in quotes because I am blogging right now. And possibly later.
The woman in closest proximity to me in the coffee shop is eating a giant carrot. Not like a baby carrot, but one of those industrial ones they only sell to horse dealers. She's just biting off nibbles of it, trying to approach it as best she can. I'm guessing she didn't buy it here? Regardless, what a snack! I'm giving her press because she deserves it. I hope "eating a giant carrot with reasonable pacing" was on her to-do list today. I'm putting that very same task on my bucket list.
The family across from me is having a red sweatshirt powwow. I say this because all four of them are wearing red collegiate sweatshirts. I want to imagine they are just complimenting each other on their sweatshirts.
"May I mention how wonderful your Stanford hoodie looks this afternoon?"
"Only if I can return the favor!"
Two of these family members are four-year-old boys, and I doubt they know what Stanford is. But I guess it's the thread that counts. Also they all have coffee drinks, because why not? This family is already over the top.
Speaking of sophisticated four-year-olds, there was a four-year-old girl in here earlier organizing her wallet. That's right, her wallet. It had actual big bills in it ($20!!). I don't think I saw my first $20 bill until I was ready, that is to say, five years old. She then daintily put her wallet back into her chic shoulder purse, and went to go get her dad who was playing in the kids toy section. No, he wasn't, but he may as well have been! He was on his iPhone, most likely texting himself a reminder to look into how his kid grew up so fast.
Some hot teenager couple is in here now, doubling their attractiveness by circumnavigating each other's celestial bodies, angsting out. OH no, I think they're having a "talk" about their "relationship."
"Listen, you realize we're both super good-looking, and people enjoy that we're together like a TV couple?"
"I know, I know. But what if we want to see other good-looking people?"
"How dare you! Don't distress my genes; they're already perfect as is."
In conclusion, I am not getting any work done, nor have I ever, at this rate.
The woman in closest proximity to me in the coffee shop is eating a giant carrot. Not like a baby carrot, but one of those industrial ones they only sell to horse dealers. She's just biting off nibbles of it, trying to approach it as best she can. I'm guessing she didn't buy it here? Regardless, what a snack! I'm giving her press because she deserves it. I hope "eating a giant carrot with reasonable pacing" was on her to-do list today. I'm putting that very same task on my bucket list.
The family across from me is having a red sweatshirt powwow. I say this because all four of them are wearing red collegiate sweatshirts. I want to imagine they are just complimenting each other on their sweatshirts.
"May I mention how wonderful your Stanford hoodie looks this afternoon?"
"Only if I can return the favor!"
Two of these family members are four-year-old boys, and I doubt they know what Stanford is. But I guess it's the thread that counts. Also they all have coffee drinks, because why not? This family is already over the top.
Speaking of sophisticated four-year-olds, there was a four-year-old girl in here earlier organizing her wallet. That's right, her wallet. It had actual big bills in it ($20!!). I don't think I saw my first $20 bill until I was ready, that is to say, five years old. She then daintily put her wallet back into her chic shoulder purse, and went to go get her dad who was playing in the kids toy section. No, he wasn't, but he may as well have been! He was on his iPhone, most likely texting himself a reminder to look into how his kid grew up so fast.
Some hot teenager couple is in here now, doubling their attractiveness by circumnavigating each other's celestial bodies, angsting out. OH no, I think they're having a "talk" about their "relationship."
"Listen, you realize we're both super good-looking, and people enjoy that we're together like a TV couple?"
"I know, I know. But what if we want to see other good-looking people?"
"How dare you! Don't distress my genes; they're already perfect as is."
In conclusion, I am not getting any work done, nor have I ever, at this rate.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
