Stuff Like This Only Happens Once in a NEW MOON

[I haven't blogged in awhile...don't think you were the only one who hasn't.]

But here's a little something of no consequence except that it's extremely timely and topical, so how's that for relevance?! (Rhetorical, that's how!!!)

Sometimes for stand up, it's good to videotape or just voice-record your sets so you can listen to them or watch them again (relive the horror, I like to call it). In so doing, you can learn from your mistakes & grow used to the general repulsion of watching/listening to yourself perform.

Anyway, my personal audio recorder has decided no more, no more of this thankless toil. It has started distorting my voice in a weird ghostastic way, like when your Walkman used to die, back in the olden days. So I did what any rational human bean would do. I replaced the batteries with fresh ones.

Problem solved, righto?! Wrongozoid, in fact! I tried playing back a set last night and interspersed with the words themselves were metallic alien communications plus my voice itself alternated between chirpy chipmunk and whale song with a dash of auto-tune.

So it's official. I'm a voice vampire. Did you catch that?! Yup. VOICE VAMPIRE. Vampires have no reflections and they need to be invited to enter someone's house. My voice is no longer recordable even if I attempt to invite it onto a tape recorder.

Standard issue litmus test of cool.
photo courtesy of Flickr and Ivan Gabovitch

Luckily (for me only), VAMPIRES are cool right now. I can prove it by the masses of women (with the occasional odd man in) who were seated in groups on the floor no less (like we were in some type of common airport) waiting for the release of Twilight: New Moon last night at the suburban mall.

What if Robert Pattinson's voice was garbled for the entire movie?! WHAT IF?!!?!!?!? Subtitles and more angst, that's what!!!
photo courtesy of Flickr and Angie22Arts

Anyway, though I know it's just a fad (both the Twilight saga and me being a vampire), for now, I'll wear the black, I'll drink the Kool-Aid, and I'll suffer the hipness of it all.

In the tweentime, would anyone like to listen to my Speaking in Tongues in Cheeks remix? (That's what all my sets sound like now: a tongue in a cheek with a foot squished in that very same mouth so nothing is intelligible and everything is uneasy.)

Actual new moon. Very tasteful.
photo courtesy of Flickr and tallpomlin

The Internet Just Keeps on Giving

I thought I was just watching a regular ol' music video, no big deal. But there is always more to the web than you would presuppose.

Witness the beginning of this pretty non-technical song rendition (but I have included bold commentary on what this must've looked like to someone who is easily surprised):

At 00:07, we see a lens with a blurry focus on the lower halves of some torsos and legs.

At 00:08, we see the emerging of a...what is that, a baby head? An egg?!

At 00:09, the mysterious orb reveals itself as an adult head...on a body!!!

And as 00:10 almost approaches, we see it is none other than the lead singer himself! Who could have guessed it?!?!?!?!

If you think I was being melodramatic, check it out. The people CAN BARELY WRAP THEIR THEIR HEADS AROUND IT, and the song has hardly just begun!!!

In related news, this week just peaked.

Worth a Thousand Curse Words

HAPPY HALLOWEEN, you goobers!!!
(Courtesy of the office kitchen this morning.)

And, just for fun, here is an impromptu photo shoot that Boyfie and I conducted during the Bentzen Ball Saturday afternoon cupcake & champagne reception.

Bentzen Ball programs? Yes! Champagne? Yes! Cupcake? Yes! Diamonds? Yes! The only thing missing was a copy of that day's newspaper.

Cupcakes are best in pairs.

Oh look, they're kissing!

Nothing goes better with champagne than cascading diamonds.

Oh, who are we kidding, who even needs the champagne?!

Uh oh, diamond coma.

Cry Me a Pungent River of Bulb Tears

I have onion breath.

You can always tell when you have onion breath because you can still taste the onions in a visceral deja vu (but it's not a dream; it's disturbingly real) way.

Plus I just ate a slammin' sandwich whose delightful bod was layered with some fresh red ones.

Anyhow.

Once Boyfie had onion breath and romantically, I felt like I was eating onions as well after a few pecks. Facts are facts, and I gave him a pretty atrocious time about it. But now, in retrospect, he couldn't help it. (Sorry Boyfie!)

Stare into our mesmerizing onion rings!!! You are getting very, very stinky...
photo courtesy of Flickr and Darwin Bell

Raw onions don't bow to the allegiance of any toothpaste or oral hygiene product. They show up whenever they wanna, make people cry if they wanna, and leave only when they're good and ready. Everything you eat or drink after a raw onion won't get past your gullet without smacking of that sharp tang.

That being said, time for some onion coffee. Bottoms up! Thumbs down!

Getting Bent(zen) 2009-Style

So the Bentzen Ball was affirmatively one of the most incredible comedy events that I have ever witnessed, let alone in which I've participated. My brain is still coming down from the life high, and side effects include wandering mind, stars in eyes, and severe daydreaming.

I helped put together a wrap up post for the comedy site, the Apiary, over here.

Here are some highlights off the top of my head:

-Performing with all my local buddies (some who don't even live here no more!) at the opening night HR-57 showcase. Plus Reggie Watts showed up and did a set. Uhhh-mazing.

-Hosting at the theater in the round (one side of the audience can see your butt!) on a show with people who are seriously my heroes, or just being at shows watching my heroes (not to be confused with Heroes, the TV show).

-Champagne and cupcake reception with little cups of fake diamonds here and there.

-Performing in the Bohemian Caverns, which are actually a set of caves. Plus there was a hip hop party gradually getting louder upstairs and a rap video being filmed outside.

-Visiting with wounded soldiers at Walter Reed Army Medical Center and then performing for some surprised lunch eaters in a cafeteria shortly after.

-Being in the presence of nothing but comics and sincerious comedy fans for four days straight.

-The dancing I witnessed at an afterparty.

But also here are some nothin' but 'Net tidbits that do justice to it better than I could:

DCist Bentzen Ball Postest with the Mostest (I linked to my photo. How gauche.)

Morgan Murphy Photo Blog (I am in the corner of a photo if you put on your magnifying glasses!)

Brightest Young Things All-Access Photo Recap

Washington Post article on the Brightest Young Things

Twitter.com (search #bentzenball)

Laziness peaked!

Ball to the Wall

You guys should sinceriously come to this, if you'll be around DC this weekend (starting tomorrow)!!!

http://www.bentzenball.com (brought to you by Brightest Young Things and Tig Notaro)

Line-up includes: Patton Oswalt, Sarah Silverman, Todd Barry, Tig Notaro, Jen Kirkman, Morgan Murphy, Jimmy Dore, ex(t)-citera.

There is more than enough to choose from, but, in case you are morbidly curious, my shows are:

Thursday, Oct. 22: 10PM, HR-57 (1610 14th St NW). A celebration of DC's finest, with Rory Scovel, Hampton Yount, John McBride, Aparna Nancherla, Justin Schlegel, Bryson Turner, Courtney Fearrington, Justin Cousson, Vish Bhatt, Randolph T, Rob Maher, Seaton Smith.

Friday, Oct. 23: 10PM, The Studio Theatre - Milton Theatre (1501 14th St NW). Reggie Watts, Todd Barry, Jen Kirkman, Morgan Murphy, Matt Braunger, Seth Herzog, Duncan Trussell, Rory Scovel, Andy Wood, and Aparna Nancherla.

Saturday, Oct. 24: 11PM, Bohemian Caverns (2001 11th St NW). Natasha Leggero, Ian Edwards, Kyle Kinane, Stephanie Escajeda, Cynthia Levin, Jason Weems, Andy Kline, and Aparna Nancherla.

Here's the full schedule (with an ongoing open mic at Ben's Chili Bowl Thurs-Sat).

Tickets here.

(American) Girl, Puh-leeze!

So guess what!?!!?!?!!?!? (I use gratuitous punctuation to conjure false hope.)

My subscription to the American Girl catalog got renewed without my even asking!

Most of these dolls are way cooler and easily more affluent than I am.
photo courtesy of Flickr and terren in Virginia

You guys don't understand. I haven't gotten this catalog in more than a decade. The universe just decided it was time again. I never canceled it either. I just hit a certain age and it stopped coming. But now it's back and better than ever.

Except. Here is my fear. Can I vocalize my fear here? Is this a safe space? Of course it is. That's the only reason I have a blog. So I can bounce my nightmares and terror spells off cyber-walls and pinch myself to feel pain-alive instead of just regular blah-alive.

My fear is that the universe decided I have reached an age where it would be obscene that I don't have some kind of progeny to share the American Girl series with. Not only is American Girl taking some real liberties in assuming my life choices, but they also seem to think, boy or girl or monkey or hallucination, there is no way my baby doesn't want American Girl in its life.

Whoa, American Girl, remember boundaries? Even Felicity way back in colonial times knew about those.

For some reason, this photo reminds me of Gattaca.
photo courtesy of Flickr and Yusuf C

Not to mention your new ethnic additions. Is that why I'm back on the subscriber list? Because you suddenly have a doll that me and mine can look at and not go, ooh well, better luck next time! I suppose Native American Kaya oughta keep my trap snapped, huh?!

Is that it?!

Well, no matter, no matter. I will carelessly browse through you in the orthodontist's office later. And if my eye happens to fall on a delightful accessory, I might circle it. But don't you dare to dream that I will be purchasing anything! Just like Kirsten the frontierswoman, I prefer to make my own fun.

And my baby will too, whenever that entity chooses to appear. And in whatever form he/she/it chooses to take (i.e., human, clay, yarn, figment of imagination, sheet music, magnet poetry.)

Because that's the way us girls of grit and spirit and sass and free love (?!?!) were made. Wake me up when the Aparna doll comes out. You know, the one from the future wearing all silver microwave-safe material.

Hello, dolly nightmares!
photo courtesy of Flickr and Jeff Sandquist

P.S. UPDATE! Well, well, well. Sonali, huh?! Denim knickers? Ballet-flat shoes with a knotted accent? Soft and huggable? Alright, I'm listening...

Ok, a customer review about her has dissuaded me from the purchase, and I quote, "Sonali is so pretty! Her hair shines. And yes, her body is orange. It's not neon, but not faded orange. Her tunic is good quality. I do not suggest using bathing suits on her, or colonial dresses."

Case closed!!! Catalog still open (for curiosity's sake).