I AM LEARNING AND GROWING!!!

The people in the apartment above me are singing, stomping, and rolling marbles like it’s a GREAT DAY, but they forgot there’s an apartment below them where it is A HARD DAY.

It's really the marbles that I'm taking issue with. Who celebrates with MARBLES?! I mean, at the very least, we need to be friends PRONTO STAT.

Today I learned about myself if I can't get a FedEx package open, I will sit with it for awhile, helpless, occasionally telling it, "C'mon, you're better than this."

LET'S SEE WHAT HAPPENS LET THE CARDS FALL WHERE THEY MAY

"It's anybody's game!!!" said the knife in the kitchen pointedly.

I am gaining my marbles! Let's hope that signifies growth.

Courtesy of Flickr and bucklava

B's Alwayz Red Dottin' on Gchat Tho

B keeps it business casual in emails. Mishy keeps it real.

Also, TOILER ALERT: I'm looking for a job as a monster. But y'all had a hunch, I'm sure.

A New Spice Channel?

I am at home looking over the brink of a precipice, and I know that if I jump, there is no return. Let me clarify: My parents are watching the 2011 British Curry Awards on the telly.

"Be the curry you wish to see in the world."-Chef Gandhi

Courtesy of Flickr and yajico

Here is the 4-1-1 via their website (that's right, big time): "This year’s British Curry Awards exceeded all expectations, and showed why this continues to be the most significant event of its kind on the spice industry calendar."

Yes, you and me both didn't know about them. But now we do, and are sworn to the opposite of secrecy.

It is everything you could dreamscape and more: tuxes, big spectacle of a theater, montage of the year's advancements in curry and restaurant stemware, though surprisingly bland acceptance speeches considering everything the nominees have been through already (Try telling people you are a professional curry, just try! You'll see, you'll all see!)

Much to everyone's horrified delight, in between awards distribution, there was a breakdance performance performed by what looked like a World Cup soccer team, which felt appropriately global. There was also a comedian who did a 45-SECOND set, during which he covered the injustice of fruit and the difficulty of cheese. Cruel network! The biggest upset of the night was that there was no Spice Girl Reunion against all odds.

One guest said it best: "How could you not enjoy an evening like this?" Truly, magically rhetorical.

And a personal plug here. Big ups to BEST CURRY IN THE SOUTHWEST: Spice Lodge in Chelton!!! I was rooting for you from the moment they announced you won!

That's it for the breaking edge of spice reporting. Curry on, gentlefolks!

No Fairport/Season's Gratings

SURPRISE!!! Here's that Yule Blog you all weren't expecting! Cue piñata burst of emotion!

Courtesy of Flickr and hectorir

I thought flying home on Christmas Eve would be a good idea. But everyone else had the same idea so I can no longer lay claim to it in that hushed, conspiratorial whisper used by spies & people inside a library.

It's bad enough that my airport shuttle driver handled the wheel like he was trying to break some kind of a record. The record being "Can you be an airport shuttle driver, but also audition for The Fast & The Furious franchise at the same time?"

Plus that airport was filled with kids! HUB? More like a HUBBUB, am I right, crickets?!?!

Sexy Tangent: What if Santa's elves looked like the elves from Lord of the Rings? He would feel so insecure. All lithe, lanky, and lyrical. Santa would be knocking things over all the time, and they'd be like "Our crystals! Not again. Please. Go eat with the reindeer. You're embarrassing the nature spirits." [AND SCENE.]

Oops, I was talking about kids and I got derailed with my life plans. Kids'll do that to you. They'll also enrich your life in ways you never dreamed Mission Possible. Tom Cruise knows. The couch knows. Oprah knows.

For example, this happened earlier today: A small girl at my gate was slowly eating chips & staring at me. HELLO SOCIAL WATERBOARDING. I was about to volunteer government secrets I didn't even have, like the Natural History Museum's Holiday Hours.

Boiler Alert: Nothing happened, other than that I boarded the plane and I sat next to a crying baby and in front of a Karate Kid (nonstop seat kicking). KIDS! Cue spaghetti face.

Courtesy of Flickr and Tobyotter

Thought I Had Earlier: Is it tacky if I buy everyone neck pillows from Hudson News? And by everyone, I mean myself. And by myself, I mean nobody. And by neck pillow, I mean Bugles.

Well, from me and this woman in a leopard print onesie/footie pajamas walking around the LA airport this morning like she subletted the place, HAPPY YMAS. Y? Because I said so!

Now if you'll excuse me, I must donate all my Fabergé eggs to pseudoscience.

Courtesy of Flickr and greenacre8

Little Shop of Distracting Horrors

I am sitting in a bookstore/coffee shop doing some "work." I put work in quotes because I am blogging right now. And possibly later.

The woman in closest proximity to me in the coffee shop is eating a giant carrot. Not like a baby carrot, but one of those industrial ones they only sell to horse dealers. She's just biting off nibbles of it, trying to approach it as best she can. I'm guessing she didn't buy it here? Regardless, what a snack! I'm giving her press because she deserves it. I hope "eating a giant carrot with reasonable pacing" was on her to-do list today. I'm putting that very same task on my bucket list.

The family across from me is having a red sweatshirt powwow. I say this because all four of them are wearing red collegiate sweatshirts. I want to imagine they are just complimenting each other on their sweatshirts.

"May I mention how wonderful your Stanford hoodie looks this afternoon?"

"Only if I can return the favor!"

Two of these family members are four-year-old boys, and I doubt they know what Stanford is. But I guess it's the thread that counts. Also they all have coffee drinks, because why not? This family is already over the top.

Speaking of sophisticated four-year-olds, there was a four-year-old girl in here earlier organizing her wallet. That's right, her wallet. It had actual big bills in it ($20!!). I don't think I saw my first $20 bill until I was ready, that is to say, five years old. She then daintily put her wallet back into her chic shoulder purse, and went to go get her dad who was playing in the kids toy section. No, he wasn't, but he may as well have been! He was on his iPhone, most likely texting himself a reminder to look into how his kid grew up so fast.

Some hot teenager couple is in here now, doubling their attractiveness by circumnavigating each other's celestial bodies, angsting out. OH no, I think they're having a "talk" about their "relationship."

"Listen, you realize we're both super good-looking, and people enjoy that we're together like a TV couple?"

"I know, I know. But what if we want to see other good-looking people?"

"How dare you! Don't distress my genes; they're already perfect as is."

In conclusion, I am not getting any work done, nor have I ever, at this rate.

Whoever Did This Has Major Cheese Balls

This sight met my eyes in the trash can at work.

In case you need a zoom:

I like to think of this, rather than as waste, as the future of movie snack sizes.

WHO'S WITH ME!?!

SHHHHHHHHH, NOBODY ANSWER.

Tiniest Furniture

Oh man, what have you guys been up to? Not much here. Just been chilling it, watching this on repeat since we last talked:



The soundtrack really brings this home for me. Let's jam out. I'll bring the pennies for scale. It's amazing what science can do these days.

WTF FTW

Hi there Goobers!

Just wanted to let you know, for all past, present, and future listeners, I had the great privilege of taping a super fun, albeit surreal live panel episode of WTF with Marc Maron a few months ago.

It's an amazing podcast, self-promotion notwithstanding.

But my episode went up today!

Expose yourselves to it here.

P.S. [insert spiritual quote that emphasizes my groundedness]