Random Life Squiggles

i was just scolded and praised in the same hour. by different people. people don't answer your questions here. they pause and wait for you to insert one. if you don't, they carry on, like nothing even remotely needed to be illuminated or disclosed.


my dad makes pad thai every week now. everrrrrry week. he's trying to be a culinary extrovert. he makes it every week because if we like something. he makes it again. and again. and again. always trying to improve it. exceptus...it always tastes the same. shhhhhhh. don't tell. daddies have feelings too. and pride. whoa does my dad have pride. immigrant fathers, reppppresent.


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best friendster email i've seen in awhile:

u R very extremely beautiful, i really like dark
women,. please send me a clipping of your hair. i
need it for a spell i am casting. you will be
compensated handsumly.
[fin]

i don't even know where to start with it. as someone who whittles humor out of branches. this one is as shaped and polished as it's gonna get. my head just might explode.

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i just found out there was a baseball player named coco crisp on friday. the fact that there isn't a bigger hoohaw surrounding this man's name is baffling. yes. he's good at his sport. BUT ALSO his name is, more or less, a children's CEREAL. this is so EMPEROR's new clothes. i feel like i'm taking crazy pills.

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i tried to do my subway "look no hands!" game today, but the driver was on LSD and handling the train like he was trying to avoid imaginary flying trolls. and i was standing in between a man who smelled like rotting fruit and a man who kept inching away from me because he thought i smelled like rotting fruit. and so i kept inching towards him trying to subtly convince him i smelled like "sunkissed raspberry" body spray and not rotting raspberries, but he persisted. and i persisted. and then i almost fell on him. so i started holding onto the railing. the end!

the subway was rife, RIFE I SAY, with eye candy today. i wanted to marry the whole train. or at least take a digital photo or two. thank goodness the creepy among us (i.e., me) are not blessed with cellphone cameras. oh the social laws we'd break!

***

it's official. i am now dating sporadically and without caution to weed out all unwanted specimens so as to eliminate the possibility i will have to date them in the future. there is absolutely no leisure involved in this pursuit. it's strickly business, naw mean? some might say, well why don't you just not date for awhile? because i'm 23, and the numbers go up, not down, you idealists!

reason i approve of meeting people online: you can eliminate them before even having to meet them in person.
reason i disapprove of meeting people online: it's weird.

@@@

heh. i get home from brunch for dinner with a friend, and my mother is prancing around the living room wearing styrofoam packaging material on her head and my dad is holding a bloody napkin to his foot ranting about how something attacked him.

my mother is also obsessed with buying office organizing furniture. if she gets one more metal skeleton with plastic drawers coming out of it, i will shudder. i already have. i just did. she's happily constructing this dorm room ethan allen rip off on our living room floor.

she also just got her finger stuck in one of the metal pipes and i had to pull it out for her. she has these monstrously flat fingernails. i've seen nothing like them outside of my genetic pool.

i now need 10 minutes a day to answer all my fan/hatemail. this is up miraculously from a piddly 4 minutes. if i described what my fan/hatemail is, the gig would be up.

and CUE my mother, just gifting me the ugly office organizer. whoooo. now i have somewhere to put my mail. all one of it.

p.s. i think my dad was attacked by his own fingernails. all kinds of freakish fingernails up in this piece.