Wednesday, April 26, 2006

Spring Is a Lusty Time for S'mores?

so i went running in my new kicks today. man, it was like my shoes were making love to my feet the entire time. what a time we all had. since i have two feet and two shoes, i guess it was a mini-orgy.

afternoon delight!

i also took some of my jokes written on a piece of paper to practice while on my run. don't ask what i was thinking. i wasn't thinking. i just ran with purpose holding a piece of paper while crashing through the woods like i usually do: another prime example of the failing of mother nature's survival of the fittest clause. and then i almost fell off a small cliff, but didn't! but soon after that, i fell into a stream. and so did my jokes. you should have heard my squawk of injustice. it echoed. now my jokes smell kind of shitty and are covered in muck. just another hurdle in the unforgiving world of humor. laugh it off, baby. laugh. it. off. someone out there will appreciate my stank jokes.

pretty. pretty stank for jokes on paper.

@@@

hah. ohhhhhh hahhhh.

email from my adopted soldier in iraq:

"Marshmallows I need marshmallows. If you can get some of these I will be very happy."

what if i just sent tons and tons and tons and tons of them. that wouldn't be very nice. i think that's, how do you put it, being an asshole.
where are the rounded edges? noooooooo.

***

oh man. so do i have some stories for you people? yes i do. i'll be brief though.

so i went to this comedy open mike in arlington tonight as a standby performer (if a comedian has a seizure/asthma attack/panic attack/psychotic rage blackout on stage, i run up there and tide the crowd over with humor until the situation regains control...sort of) and also to support my friend dave. OH MYLANTA. can i just say this was the most bizarro weirdness of an open mike that i have ever attended?


highlights:

--man makes baby jokes with his heavily pregnant almost in labor wife watching. near her, two people chain smoke.

--girl storms out after comedian ribs her. she did yell GO GAMECOCKS! really loudly in the middle of his set.

--this tiny little college man comic wore a tshirt that read FAT N NASTY.

--man makes joke about how he slept with his mother because his grandmother doesn't put out.

--my friend dave yells CLOCKS! CLOOOOOOCKS!!! as a transition between his jokes.

--first time comic gets on stage and doesn't tell any jokes but merely says "yeah i could get used to this. i like it up here. ok i'll be back again. thanks guys."

--guy wearing a white sweatband and little ponytail/faux-half-bun makes a long riff about getting in an argument with his elementary school girlfriend's father in the hospital where she was in recovery from a brutal footsie accident (it was his first time playing it. he broke her knee in 13 places). at the end of the riff, his girlfriend dies. oh! BOOYAH FCC.

--and the best highlight award goes TO: the last performer. a woman with long red hair. who will remain anonymous. if you know her, you know her. if you want to, i'm sure you can. she came up in a very skimpy bellydancing outfit and made very breezy sex jokes while thrusting her pelvis and shoulders in wayward directions and darting her eyes around loosely in a hippie fashion. at first, i was shocked. she did have a bangin' bod though if i do say so myself. work it girl. there were several erections in the room at that point. even though she was a little off. she could have been on drugs. it's highly possible.

anyway, her most memorable line was when she thrust her pelvis forward at the end of her act and said "sorry that my clit's in the way." i didn't get that one until my drive home and boy did i have a big realization over that one, i'm telling ya. my "ohhhhhhhh" could be heard for miles around. no, not THAT kind of O. geez louise.

3 comments:

Bryan Anthony the First said...

share us some of the fun!

you mentioning orgy makes make wonna have a latte.

dink said...

"Spring is a Lusty Time for S'mores" made me fall off my chair laughing.

Lots in this post made me laugh!*

Your post about your new shoes reminded me of the Sesame Street episode where Elmo gets new running shoes.
:-D

* this must mean I am the "someone" who appreciates your stank jokes.

Aparna said...

ohhhhh bryan anthony....please tell me how orgies and lattes are connected? i am not savvy enough to figure it out.

dinky! i haven't seen that sesame street....i musssst find it. thanks for lovin' my stank humor =)