Real American Zeroes and Heroes (Who's Who?)

i'm going to talk about hecklers. yesterday night at comedy there was a heckler. not even a bad heckler. a mild nacho cheesy heckler. but for some reason, i really didn't like him. reallllllly got all miffy about it, panties in a huge bundled whomp about it. he didn't see my inner ragegasm though because i am professional like that (yesh yesh i am). every time i've told jokes in front of this guy (yesterday would mark the sequel), i've happened to open with a joke related to poop. i don't even feel the need to have to justify my reasoning. it's poop. it's funny. anyone who is extremely disgusted or averse to poop jokes is nigh impossible for me to understand compared to someone who just figures "shit happens, and comedians might occasionally make reference to this fact."

see poop? make a haha! it's foony.

really, people, there's no need to be intolerably repressed. no need at all. anyway, at one point in my joke, everyone said "ewwwww" so i said "don't worry. it's just a joke. really. there's no poop anywhere. it's totally imaginary" and this toolshed has the brilliance to say "oh good. we thought you had a scat fetish." oh sir, really? dost my ears deceive me? i saw you there, in the audience, when i went up on stage. and i knew immediately without fail what was going to ensue. and you didn't disappoint. with your cellphone earpiece (a sign of status) and your shiny bald head and your freshly pressed work suit, you brought the heckling. what are you even doing in an artsy coffeehouse on a monday night? you're not consuming anything. you're sitting with a group of people twenty years younger and hipper than you who don't seem to know you. don't you have better things to do? like incessantly wiping your ass to delete all traces of that which befouls your holy essence?

how the heckler made aparna feel

i told him what i thought of him though. i addressed the audience with "oh great, this guy, this guy (*indicating guy*). this guy hates me. he thinks i'm disgusting because i only tell poop jokes when he's around. sir, i'm sorry, i will never live up to your expectations." and do you know what he said? he said, "oh shush!" yes, ladies and geniuses, i was SHUSHED by a heckler. it's ok though. because the next comedienne who went up right after me, diana "brings the pain" saez, told him to go f--k himself. ahhhhh vicarious trashtalk, i loveeeee you. i guess i love that guy too. how can you not love people who find you disgusting? it's kind of endearing. oh right. this is the part where you say, "sheesh, can't a joketeller take a joke?" no y'see i'm anal like that. badum CHING.

revenge is sweet. so is this postcard.