This Is Because I'm Brown, Isn't It?!

oh wow. around midnight last night, i got pulled over for drunk driving.

except for one leetle thing. i twasn't crunk. i twasn't even tipsy, your honor. i was completely sober.

errrrr. here's how it went down.

i was driving my buzzing friend home. she was telling me a story about the inherent evil of men. cliched but it never gets old. we got lost. i changed lanes. got confused. took an exit. changed lanes. took an exit. let's just say 395 is not my favorite strip of freeway. nothing about it is free. it costs minutes and seconds of precious navigational time not to mention patience and goodwill towards men.

anyway, a cop was tailing me. so i was trying to drive cautiously within the bounds of completely not knowing where we were. suddenly, blue lights. game over. but there's no way he's blue-lighting me, i'm thinking. i didna do nothing, ocifer! so i try and move out of his way. he turns the lights off. fair enough. weirdo. we take an exit. he follows, blue-lights again. that's rich, sir, it wasn't funny the first time.


boo for reality

ok. i see. you want me to pull over? ok.

i sit in the car freaking out with tipsy friend babbling about what is going on. officer comes over. "is everything alright?" flashlight in face. hard to concentrate.

"yes."

"where are you guys going? dc?"

"no. crystal city." (virginia, going away from dc, poobrain)

"oh i see. you been drinking?"

"i had ONE beer three hours ago."

"just one beer?"

"just one beer."

"just one beer?"

"just one beer."

"just one beer?"

"just one beer THREE HOURS ago."

(and four lines of coke with a dimetapp chaser. BUT THAT doesn't count.)

"you went to dinner in dc?"

"yes." (no.)

"did you have anything to drink at dinner?"

"no."

"you sure? it really smells like alcohol in here."

(incidentally, it did not smell at all like alcohol in here! infidel!)

"one beer, three hours ago."

"what was going on back there? you changed lanes, turned on your left blinker and went right. you were driving completely erratically. you were all over the road."

(drunk people don't use signals. i was also going 2 miles under the speed limit, changed lanes ONCE slowly, and was lost. but you know, other than that, a complete hazard to myself and others.)

"we were lost, officer."

"i'm going to need you to step out of the car."

"ok." (wtf)

"do you have any problems with balance or coordination? any physical disabilities?"

"no."

--did eye following finger test. yes, it is fun. i agree. except when you're anxious and freaking out.


i'm glad i didn't have to do this one.

"what's your level of education?"

(um. perdon?)

"college."

"ok. i'm going to ask you to say the alphabet starting at D and ending at R."

(um. exactly at what level of education does the alphabet not apply? preschool? THIS GUY IS A SHAM.)

--i aced the alphabet test.

"so your friend had more to drink than you?"

"yes, sir."

"ok because it doesn't smell as much like alcohol out here."

(YA THINK)

"were you on your cellphone or something? you were driving really horribly."

(oh actually. i totally forgot! i was doing body shots off my friend's tummy! does that count?)

"no. i was lost."

--license and registration was procured.

"i'm going to let you off with a warning this time. alright?"

(a warning for WHAT?! pseudodrunk driving? reckless endangerment to invisible people? not helping a cop fill his ticket quota? ohhhhhh.)

"ok. thank you, sir."


officer friendly isn't very chivalrous.

(AND THANKS FOR OFFERING TO GIVE US DIRECTIONS, DOUCHEMASTER FLEX.)

anyway, when we finally unlost ourselves and were in my friend's apartment, my friend gave me a bowl of ice cream and let me rant about mr. coptastic mctoolkit.

this has been the week of male freaks and clowns. truly.

moral of the story: this clearly wasn't a dc cop. they have bigger fish to fry. like i don't know. actual drunk driving.