I Knew I Should Have Bought Today

you all are not going to believe this, but maybe you are.

my mother poached my lunch today.

yeah exactly, you heard me!

she went into the kitchen at some point early this morning before my innocent eyes were awake, into the refrigerator, into the sacred brown paper sack that i diligently folded over (as if to say "only friends may enter here") and did some real handiwork, let me tell you!

so at work today, i go to have my morning banana---or funana, as i like to call it in private--

AND lo and behold, no banana to be found! instead i am faced with the very real and heartwrenching prospect of three oranges. yes. my mother replaced one banana with two oranges (one starting the rotting process, the other passable), plus i had another one i packed myself (if you must know, also passable).

how could she think for even ONE second that that was a fair trade? maybe she didn't think. and that's exactly what i'm getting at.

so far, i've only made it through one citrus-y sphere of dissatisfaction, but the Vitamin C* is really getting to me. i hope you enjoyed that just-perfectly ripe yellow friend of humanity, mother. *shaking fist*


"orange you glad i didn't say banana?! lololololololol." "actually no."
photo courtesy of Flickr and Coxar

this is reality at its grittiest.

oh wait, you guys thought that was it, right?

right?

right?

wrong.

my mother ALSO took the liberty of replacing my fork.

you ready for this?

with.

a.

spoon.

WHO EATS SALAD WITH A SPOON?! just don't even answer that.

i wouldn't be surprised if she farted in my trail mix. i really wouldn't.

i'm not even ready to talk about this really.

LUNCH POACHING: it's not a myth. and it can start IN THE HOME. don't be a chump.

*Cheated