Oregon FAIL

So someone out there in this here great, beautiful Internet land was kind enough to share a link to a version of the old school Oregon Trail game that you can play right at the convenience of your very own computing system.

All uh, bored?
Photo courtesy of Flickr and CarbonNYC

Of course, I immediately wanted to toss my hat in the ring for a round.

Here's a tip.

Don't be so sure that you remember all the tricks of the trade of a childhood pastime you haven't played in 15-plus years. Because hey, even the most prepared Girl and Boy Scouts among us will let something slip by us unnoticed.

And especially don't name all your family members after pet names that your significant other uses for you because I guarantee you will have to helplessly stand by and watch as they each sicken and die off one by one.

I couldn't even finish the game I got so sad. Dysentery, exhaustion, typhoid? More like severe depression.

(In fact, this deserves one more "more like" because I was so irrationally invested in it. So here goes everything...more like Oregon Trial because my heart was on that witness stand!)

Fittingly, this sign resembles a tombstone. History don't play, son!
Photo courtesy of Flickr and bugeaters

I forgot the golden rule. When everything is going swell, don't be quite so carefree! Go hunting. I ran out of food and I didn't even notice for 200 miles!

I instead cruelly wondered why nobody was getting better with my stringent resting regimen. Oh, I don't know, maybe because they were all sitting around staring at each other, licking their parched lips, salivating like leaky faucets, and poking at their well-defined rib cages. I'm a monster!!!

Burden of proof:


But no one truly has an easy go of it. It's the flippin' Oregon Trail, for exclaimin' out loud!

Check out a stalwart compatriot of mine's harrowing experience:


P.S. Don't invest in two wagon tongues. I promise that one will suit you just fine.