Back in the Swing of Things, Wiiiink!

well. i'm back. temping away at a computer.

my half-cube sits next to a window. you can't imagine my joy.
this isn't my view, but let's pretend.

thus far today, i've forgotten my passport, spilled coffee on my hands and pants and fallen in love with the IT guy's voice (it's so darn helpful and caring). a far cry from IT guys of christmas past.

crusader of justice

i just received perhaps the hippest edition to my wardrobe ever. folk art is sublime.


what is it about the male wink? the male wink possesses strength vastly immeasurable in proportion to its size and time span. imagine if a fly could crush buildings by a sweep of its wings. imagine if a pony could shatter continents with a stamp of its hoof. such is the power of the male wink. i guess the female wink just doesn't do it for me. so casual, so unpredictable, so heartwrenching. the male wink.

i've tried the wink myself. i just couldn't do it.
this will also do.

Sunday Night Can Be a Party

for a real good time, eat your scantily dressed salad with a spoon.


news to amuse:

email from random internet dude: hey. this is totally random. but were you at a party in [random place] on saturday night? i met someone with your name. do you have any friends who work for [random channel] news?

response: oh no, totally wasn't me. i don't have any friends. so must have been someone else.

Another Successful Pickup

dear fuzzy navel malt cooler,

thanks for coming home with me tonight. you knew i didn't have time to go out what with having to write jokes and make a mother's day card. so instead, you came home with me. i didn't even have to try a line on you. you were ready, willing and able. the lady at the register in the grocery store wondered why i was buying you in a four-pack all by my lonesome after daylight hours. but you knew. you knew. and you didn't raise your voice in complaint asking "where's the party?" or even comment on the solo drinking affair upon reaching my domicile.

you tried to look presentable when my mother gave you the evil eye and called me a "little alcoholic." and when i cracked you open, you made that nice fizzy sound i've come to so love.

sure, i could have gone for the hard cider or the pale ale. but we both know where my true alliances lie. they're all with you, fuzzy navel malt cooler. they're all with you. you can have my first apartmentwarming party once i move out of my parents' house. you can have first dibs as to which friend gets your first sip. you can even pick the music.

because you know how to treat a girl right. make her head spin just a little. i'm ignoring the slight headache. that couldn't have anything to do with you, fuzzy n. i refuse to believe it.

and neither of us will say a word about how i accidentally spilled you over most of the computer work station while trying to answer the phone. you were just trying to spread the love. who can fault you that? shhhhhh. no one cares how many typos were in my IM conversations after i started cavorting with you, fuzzy n. don't say a word.

tonight. it's just you and me.

your BFF and forever lovah, aparna

So Not Postworthy

my streaming music works again! on my mother's phantom cursor computer.
this is pure fantastick.

i need to write some jokes about my mother. ideas? advice? support?

what is it about techno?

it's so lovely outside. and so cold inside. like a frigid prom queen.


note to self: send soldier some marshmallows!

Emotional Weather Patterns

alright, kids. it's time to get sentimental. don't worry. you'll be at ease. i usually don't quite mean sentimental as much as pensive. i realized that i have these ups and downs in terms of self-esteem. sometimes i feel like i can conquer the world in one line. and sometimes i feel like the world could destroy me in one half-glance. but then you realize nothing changed. except your brain. absofreakinglutely nothing. when you felt like you were the bellybutton lint in the grand scheme of life, nobody said it was so. and when you razed entire cities with a wink, well, nobody said rome fell that day. but it did. and you can just nod to yourself, and say, "yeah, that was all me." but entire cities can't perish without fallout. and so the doubts begin again.


the sun is shining through a dozen dark clouds today, literally. it's a battle. stay tuned.

i hate it when people worry about my future. one person worrying is more than enough. find your own cause. or be the voice that reasons against reason and says "yo. chillax. just lean with it."

sometimes i'm afraid i'm going to run out of hope. but it always comes back, doesn't it? i refuse to believe otherwise.

sometimes my phone needs to shut up. all the phones in the world need to shut up. and we just need to be ok. being where we are and them being where they are. other times, that one line of static is like the most comforting of hugs. the distant voice the closest thing you feel to anything.

Relax, I'm a Pro at This...

i just experienced one of the weirdest yoga classes ever. first of all, i was late. and i've been having myriad problems with lateness lately. so my chi was way WAY way out of line. that was just the beginning.

i get to the yoga room, and this blonde (probably of swedish origin) yoga master diva looks at me like i just unaligned her chi. i ignore her and proceed to throw my weight around the room by getting a yoga mat as loudly as possible and then throwing all my stuff down in a corner, also loudly, and then unrolling my mat, with a grand finale of loudness.

this kind of looks like the yoga instructor.

*at this point, the rest of the class was tapping various parts of their body with closed fists. the current part of the body being tapped was the chest. yogi master said "this is to release various toxins from your body." then we began tapping our faces. "this is to reduce your allergies." really? why didn't they teach this in preschool? think of all those untapped years my body went through. all those changes!

then we began tapping down the fronts of our legs all the way down to our feet also to "significantly reduce allergies." allergies to what? foot dander? toe pollen? then we went up the backs of our legs, still knocking with closed fists, up past our buttocks (we actually lingered for awhile on the buttocks, once again, to "clear toxins"...i was afraid someone might take her words literally...and shart!) and then moved up our backs to our necks. and then spent a few minutes tapping our faces especially our jaws to "really loosen up those muscles." well, you know what they say, you haven't tried it until you've knocked it.
don't worry. he's just reducing his allergies.

*in the midsection of class, we worked on our...midsections. we stretched very gently like we all had arthritis.

the best part of all was that the lady next to me seemed to be quite eager to communicate the fact that she just recently received her doctorate in the practice of lamaze. her breath exhalations would have been less shocking if she had been birthing one child after another all class long. instead, she was simply stretching out her uterus..ahem..calf muscles.

she wasn't even preggers!

then we worked with lying down and carefully moving various parts of our bodies really delicately. i felt like a human glass house. there was a racquetball game going on one floor down with men screaming every time they made contact with the ball. so the glass house shattered about five times per minute.

*towards the end of class, we did a nostril exercise where we inhaled through one nostril then blocked it and exhaled through the other one, and then alternated back and forth. she said this was "to balance out the brain, rather, your creative side and your logic side." ummm for realzies? i thought i was just emptying snot. but yes, i guess i feel more balanced now that there are equal amounts of boogers in both halves of my nose.
nostril clearing is an age-old practice of achieving zen.

to conclude, the yogi master made us all lie down on our mats and then she came around and "tucked us into bed" by covering us each with towels.

then we did an exercise called "beach relaxation scenario" but i recognized it as actually being stolen straight from nursery school (i.e., NAPTIME). by the end of class, i was on my spiritual sleep plane, my allergies were mad reduced and my brain was balanced to the ultimate power of nose.

the end of class. but we were all tucked in!

things really came full circle when i accidentally walked in on the yogi master in the shower down in the lockerroom. my chi is feeling hella awkward right now.

Oversharing in the Rain

wow. temp work leaves me feeling like i have multiple personalities, one of them permanently comatose. today i got to see secret service agents and bodyguards, the only people who can pull off talking into a little star trek earpiece. they are friendly folk. wouldn't mind working at the register next to them at the gap. you get to wear little earpiece things at the gap too.

was that a plaid or a solid? over.

then i had to take notes at one of the business seminars and i kept spacing out. while the businesspeople were talking. i felt like a really cracked out stenographer. i got caught in a rainstorm after work. but it was fun. it was like we were being tested for our shortcomings. we passed the test. we put the computer in a plastic bag halfway through the rainstorm. after that this lady sat next to me on the subway and after i squeezed out some of my saturated pores onto her, she got up and moved.


china follow-up:
our house is now full of asian snacks. i wish i could tell what most of them were from just looking at the pictures. but no, you never really know until it's in your mouth. whether it's a jelly or a crunchy. or a well-intentioned hybrid.

i do love me some pocky though.

my dad got a shoehorn from china that is, i shit you not, three feet long. please tell me no one needs a three foot shoehorn. but no, you can't, can you? he just used it. you can practically flip the suckers onto your soles from across the street.

oh hell no.

and the misanthropic writer was kind enough to forward me a job listing:

Responsibilities:

Responsible for creating and publishing The Antarctic Sun newspaper and providing other media and public relations services during the austral summer in Antarctica. Interacts with the station community, National Science Foundation, military, and other agency officials, both over the telephone and in person, in a professional and tactful manner.

While at McMurdo Station the journalist conducts research and interviews with a variety of U.S. Antarctic Program scientists and participants. Writes articles, takes photographs, does editing and layout, obtains approvals, and publishes and distributes The Antarctic Sun. Coordinates the efforts of other staff and volunteers from the community. Works closely with client and management for content approvals. Maintains historical computer files and hard-copy masters of all documents created. Ensures that distribution is made to the community and on the Internet. Participates in aerial photography requirements. Provides support and gives direction regarding miscellaneous requests from other USAP participants, USAP related agencies, the public, and the media. Must be physically able to travel, transport luggage and gear, and endure time spent in Antarctic field camps and stations.

Qualifications:
BA or BS. Minimum three years experience as a published journalist, preferably for a daily. Expertise with A/P style, copy editing and digital photography required. Must be proficient with Adobe Creative Suite and MSOffice. Some FTP and html. The ideal candidate will have the proven effective people and time management skills, the ability to work independently and demonstrate good judgment.

my coworkers-to-be.

Temporarily In Service

things i do when i'm sleep-deprived:
1) get anxious
2) think rapidfire thoughts in sudden death spirals...they all end in tragedy and hopelessness
3) eat chocolate chips
4) not sleep
5) pick my face

this temping stuff is HARD WORK. it's harder than real work.

*this economist gave me a small disk to print out a document for him and the disk smelled really heavily of cologne. it was like he dipped it in a vat of scent so his gadgets were as metrosexual as he himself. maybe it was a freak primping accident.

*today i almost sneezed on an ambassador's conference swag. luckily i deflected the mobile trajectory within moments of his personal driver coming to pick up the leather gift padfolio.

hello. i am: PADFOLIO.

*and i had to make business cards for this other guy because he forgot his own business cards in his home country. WHOOPSIE DAISY! they were part-ghetto, part-acceptable.

business cards should not have too much information on them.

*the rest is a big blank. coffee. gum. i chewed some gum for 2 hours. at one point, i ate a crumb off my lip. and realized i hadn't had anything to eat for the past 4 hours. so was there a crumb on my lip for 4 hours, or did someone else's crumb land on my lip, and did i eat it? i felt restless at many points through the day. i gave out leather gift padfolios.

that's the way the crumb crumbles. onyourlip.

*the best part of all was that the entire time i was wearing my mother's orthopedic easy spirit black bubble wrap shoes. i call them "bubble wrap" because the inside of the shoes is like bubble wrap. except it doesn't pop. how awesome would it be if it did though? i looked pretty professional in my geriatric shoes all day. let me tell you. they complemented my penguin suit fabulously.

hello. i am: BUBBLE WRAP shoe. (or a close representation)

in conclusion, my sleep deprivation is reaching excessive levels for myself. as i doze off, i am starting to feel like i am reaching a higher plane of existence. time to keep picking my face.

this is adorable.

Driving Miss Dolly

i'm not supposed to be posting on my blog right now so shhhhhhhh.

so i am temping with one of my friends at her work for a few days. she works at an important non-profit where they are having a biiiiig latin american/spanish/united statesian business conference tomorrow and the day after with all sorts of economic, financial, ambassadorial and just general world bigwigs. they needed some extra administrative/logistical help for a few days soooo here i am.

it's crazy! spring break crazy! except instead of excessive sunning and flesh exposure, there's excessive collating and printing and frenetic womenz not being passive-aggressive as much as full-out stress-soaked mud-wrestling aggressive.

today morning found me on the streets of the city with the dolly from hell. you know...a dolly as in a small utility cart you use to move things around. well, i had to drop off these WELCOME packets at this hotel where some of the conference guests are staying. oh my children, you have no idea in how many ways my mission was corrupted. my dolly was possessed. by a drunk sorority girl. the thing's wheels all went in different directions. the handle bar you used to direct the thing was only loosely attached to the device in question. shock absorption? ha. you kids and your newfangled ways. i went straight and dolly went sideways. i tried to turn and dolly made a full circle. dolly ran over toes of dogs, humans, other strollers. a baby looked at dolly with unrestrained wrath as if to say 'you are giving mobile pedestrian devices a bad name, you ho!' this UPS guy laughed at me, my technology being straight from the flintstones. i was sooooo embarrassed OMG.


hellloooo dolly!

i hissed, "stop it dolly! you're embarrassing me!" but dolly paid me no mind. "i'm never taking you out again! do you hear me?" but dolly laughed. dolly laughed in my face. and proceeded to tilt over over OVER the curb into the path of a taxi. and laughed and laughed. dolly thought it was the funniest thing EVer. "dolly! you could have gotten us killed!" dolly didn't care. dolly had one too many at last call. finally, i get to this uppity schmuppity hotel and the doorman takes one look at dolly piled high all sloppy drunk with all sorts of folders and gift bags falling off of her ungainly bulk and then looks at me, the caretaker. he raises an eyebrow. "ummmm...where are you going, miss?" "i need to go inside." (please just let this be over quickly). "who are you with?" (mtv cancun 2006...geez who do you think i'm with? just shoot us both. put us out of our misery, dolly and i) finally, out of the kindess of his arteries, he let us both in and i skidded across the hotel floor and received several unkind stares. after making the dropoff, dolly and i hightailed it out of there. OUT OF THERE.

man, dolly sure embarrassed me but now i kind of feel like we were bonnie and clyde out there. just us against the world. dolly and i. two screwups just trying to get by. i should have wheeled us both off a cliff. how bittersweetly tragic. a tale for the ages.

Nature's Way of Getting a Chuckle

today during standup. this lady said THANK YOU to the audience at the end of her set and i yelled THANKS back. i didn't yell "no, thank YOU!"...i just yelled THANKS. it was really weird. luckily i must have thrown my voice because no one around me seemed to notice. i know it doesn't seem like that illogical a thing to say but i really yelled it. someone locate the neural pathway behind this mess and fumigate it. this is just one incident. when people used to congratulate me on a job well done, i used to CLAP instead of say thank you. i have a feeling there's a connection. WRD? wrong reaction disorder? i also laugh when people get hurt or are in pain. not serious pain. but basic pain. man, this is really insidious. i need to go to finishing school or something. or a hypnotist.

this reaction has nothing to do with wrong reaction disorder but it LOOKS like it does. think about it.

my mother just burped me. i'm not even kidding.

we can all use a hand occasionally.

my parents, upon their return from chinalicious, made me clean out all the fungus food i created in the fridge while they were gone. it smelled so bad. fermented lentils make me want to hide in a vacuumsealed inorganic pod wallpapered with dryer sheets. eau de sunkissed breeze, embrace me!

Tap That Random, Yeaaaahhhh

my parents are back from china! they brought back a 100-year old chinese tapestry! no they did. oh wait. i got it wrong. they brought back a tapestry that details 100 years of chinese history. same difference. it's a big tapestry. reminds me of tapestry pudding. doesn't it? agree with me, dammit!

this was probably made yesterday. a lovely present though.

what else? i saw part of the movie TROY yesterday. man, heroes of old sure deserve some big ups. they're willing to stake their honor for some chick. i approve. mostly of the tiny skirts. the women had to wear long dresses. the men got to wear tiny skirts. where did history flip the switch?

"[He] had dumps like a truck truck truck
Thighs like what what what
Baby move your butt butt butt"

speaking of which, SHOUTOUT TO MY HAS-BEEN!

jk jk omg. you know i gots your foine backside, sisqizzle. q not followed by a u, WHATtttt.

i have some work for about a month. whoopie cushion! i'm going to buy a briefcase and fill it with blank papers and EVERYTHING. the illusion of having a place in life is far stronger than some realities.

this man's folder is full of madlibs and his briefcase is full of crossword puzzles.

HOW I FEEL ABOUT SOY NUTS.
a play in one tiny scene.

spelling bee director: johnny, your next word is SOY.
johnny: could i please have that used in a sentence?
spelling bee director: i ate a lot of soy nuts. i feel soy very sick.
johnny: SOY. s-o-*barf*-y. SOY hunnhhhhhh. i don't feel so good.
spelling bee director: correct. you may now proceed to the next round. can someone go get a mop?

(fin)


ughz-trordinary

A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Waterhole

.happy cinco de mayo everybooody.

um. don't ask why but after watching some of the NEWSHOUR with JIM LEHRER. i taped it from the other night. the rich man's 24 if you will. well anyway after watching that, some other show about a reality show on a ranch starts coming on the telly. and of course, i can't watch it directly or my eyes will be burned like watching the sun. but i do catch snippets here and there. it's unbelievable. what goes on at these "ranches." holla at some brokeback. you think i'm making an allusion to homosexuality. but no, just ranching, you horny buggers.

some little delicious nibbles--

cowboy one: are you steering the heifer?
cowboy two: yeah i'm steering the heifer.

cowgirl wearing an apron: morale is up! MORALE IS UP!

narrator: at the end of a long day, the cowboys gather in the tackroom to discuss mr. cooke's accusations.

[harmonica music in background]

cowboy 1: there are some good-looking cows. let's go round them up as well.

cowboy 1.5: man, veggie pizza. i love veggie pizza.

(doesn't sound like canned beans to me)

angry cowgirl: if we don't meet our housekeeping goals and we've had a maid all summer, i'm really gonna be mad.

and finally the part you were all waiting for...

when the menz all go skinnydipping in the waterhole!!!

cowboy 2.75: we're really glad jon joined us in the hole today. we all had a great time.

oooh nothing like dripping wet buckskin...i'm serious. it's incomparable to anything else. it's like watermelon in the summertime. MAGNIFICENT.

Spooning with Success

i am feeling molto pensive. who knows why? allz i know is i'm spooning with something tonight. be it a bedspread, a pillow with a face on it or an old box of Life cereal. don't judge. one day, you'll find yourself in similar circumstances and you'll come crying to me and don't worry, i won't laugh. i won't.


the day progressed as any other. i had to write part II of my series on casual hook ups. i don't understand why no one will hire me for jobs where i'm semi-qualifiedi'm super-qualified to sit on my ass and two finger type words into search engines. but when it comes to writing 5000 words on authoritating like the carrie bradshaw of this american life, the world says "GO GET EM TIGER!" long sexy story short, i spit out two thirds of this healthy grown-up skanky advice at my mother's office almost using the two finger type method the whole time until my other fingers started getting belligo on me.

not my finger.

i bet the other employees were wondering why i was monopolizing the one office computer to write about carrying around contraception in your purse and/or pocket and having fresh breath at crucial make-or-break points of the night. what kind of an authority am i really? i consider spooning part of the bedroom olympics. yeah i said it.

wow. after listening to some sad songs and convincing myself i was sad, i switched to irish pub music and it's done a world of good. i am considering breaking a chair or two shortly. if my parents came back from china and all the chairs in the house were broken and/or urinated on, what would happen?

another case of domestic abuse.

a) they would yell at me.
b) they would look at me disparagingly.
c) they would make me spoon with the damage.
d) all of the above.
e) all of the above and they would give me some presents from china.

if you picked E, you are far less confident in the US Customs Police than i.

what else happened today? oh yeah. i had dinner with some of my old coworkers. the paparazzi was there. so was the paparazzi's paparazzi. long sexy story short, i don't think our photos were actually snapped. the paparazzi was too busy beating up their paparazzi. everyone wants to be a hero.

eheheheheh they got you first. is that guy preggers?!

i have a sitcom on in the background while i do my important works. but mostly it's so that's there is a laugh track going. that way, when i type something funny, i time it so that the laugh track comes when i finish typing it. it's like my very own pathetic audience.

plus i have kanye west playing now. he supplanted the irish pub band. so imagine my house right now. almost broken chairs, sex articles, kanye, people laughing at regular intervals and me spooning with something shortly. it all adds up to a surefire formula to ridiculous amounts of success. success in achieving what? delusions of grandeur. woot woot.

speaking of success, elmo was on NPR today. way to go, man. but who was styling your hair today? oh it was radio. PHEW.

Catching Up Feels Awkward

man! you kids! i haven't updated in foooorever. but there's a good reason behind that. sort of. i'm temping at my mother's office. i know i know. pretty spectacular. yesterday found me cleaning out the medicine cabinet/pantry.

five bags of everything from cialis to zoloft, from ambien to augmentin, from lipitor to allegra, all in the TRASH. expired, my friends, expired. something tells me they don't just go out quietly though. they go out with a bang. down some junkie's throat. by the handful. that was morbid. i'm sorry.


what else is new? i went to this protest against the genocide in darfur on sunday. george clooney was there. with his dad. i wish i could've been there with my dad. my parents are still in china though, thanks for asking. there were thousands of people there though. that was comforting.


i gave away my crack cake! but i might go back to the scene of the crime and eat some of it. of course, as soon as i gave it away, i went into withdrawal. of couuuurse. anyway, i hope to be reunited later this week.

i can't get into my voicemail at home either. i know this is crucial crucial information for you all. but it had to be said. therefore, whoever is leaving messages for me on my parent's answering machine. i'm not getting any of them. you can just give up. give up, i say!


finally, i need to stop trashtalking myself. this morning, the verbal abuse was off the hizzy. that's why i had to play hooky from the job my mom assigned me and just catch up on my email, job hunt, blog. because that's the kind of ideal citizen i am. me first. me me me me me. that said, stop being a lazy buttface, me!

No, You Can't Smoke It

so today i made a cake. i had to because otherwise, i would have eaten all the frosting before it even had a rightful place in society. so i made the cake foundation for it.

and when i was taking said french vanilla cake out of the oven, it ripped, of course. a big jagged cut right down the bottom right corner of it. a giant maw, out of which would possibly jump little gremlins and/or tiny strippers.

so, when i was frosting it, i accentuated the crack. no use hiding flaws. people are going to see right through your deceptions.

and then using chocolate chips, i christened it: CRACK CAKE. (get it?)

now i need to find a lucky recipient of the crack cake. if it lives up to its name, it will be addictive. and cause feelings of euphoria.

i don't have a camera so here is a recreation of CRACK CAKE using microsoft PAINT:


i love spending time with people who do as many voices, if not more voices, than you do. all of them fabulous, natch.

A Shot of Early Morning Tang

comedy open mike tonight was pretty spectastic. yeah comedy open mikes and work and coke are all i do now. just kidding, about the work. ugh, who threw that tired joke in there? raise your hand so you know which one to slap your face with, like momma showed you. OW. slap whatcher mama also gave ya.

so i was up first after the MC guy, who called himself sensei. speaking of which, i think i need a stage name. i'm not ashamed of my heritage by any means, but my last name needs a little more tang and a little less length. speaking of which, remember Tang Drink Mix? tang was awesome. it was purely concentrated powder that when added to water made you go berserk and made your tongue orange. AWESOME. of course, they make it FDA-approved now. but the eighties, man. those were some timmmmes.

time to stir some shit up. in water.

anyway, i didn't waste any time getting into my set, and i use that term loosely. i started talking about pears. i have to work on my pears joke. my set went ok. not as great as my past few. i was feeling rather deflated about it but the other comedians are always nice. and if you can't use an experience to improve, weeelll you need to shoot some silly string into your head and stage a coup d'etat on your brain.
i don't know about you guys but this looks like pear porn to me.

apparently a good way to improve at comedy is watch a video of yourself performing. now i know that's a great idea. but somehow the idea of watching myself on tape is mortifying. at some point, i imagine (or hope) a big wooden cane will come out of stage left and whisk me away to thunderous appreciative applause. even though there were only ten people in the audience at the time. now that i'd watch.

come on. self-deprecation? everyone's doing it. i didn't like it the first time either.

on one another note, i think i'm pulling an all-nighter tonight. worst decision of my post-college/more-or-less-real-world life. why, you ask? why not, i challenge.

reading certain celebrity blogs really make you feel disgusting. like you just dug through someone's trash and ate some of it. gross. if there's anyone's life to be ridiculed, it should be mine. and i should be the one doing it. never throw any higher than you can catch. i just made that up. it's highly possible i didn't. but it's 3am and i'm feeling foolishly confident.

if you see something, say something. like celebrity baggage. that shit is toxic.

playing dumb is a useful useful skill until you actually forget that you're in the know. because then you've just got a problem on your hands. three problems actually. the first one. and then the other two are you.

i like to save up emails from people who interest me. save them up slowly after sorting through the other crap i get. savor them carefully. read them once quickly, once more slowly, pick them apart, but not obsessively, just in an amused and patient way, and then close them, mark them as new, and come back to them five seconds later, and pretend all that first stuff never happened, and just pretend that i have a deep and psychic connection with people. it's 3am, i beg you leave your judgment at the door. oh, well where the door used to be.

Spring Is a Lusty Time for S'mores?

so i went running in my new kicks today. man, it was like my shoes were making love to my feet the entire time. what a time we all had. since i have two feet and two shoes, i guess it was a mini-orgy.

afternoon delight!

i also took some of my jokes written on a piece of paper to practice while on my run. don't ask what i was thinking. i wasn't thinking. i just ran with purpose holding a piece of paper while crashing through the woods like i usually do: another prime example of the failing of mother nature's survival of the fittest clause. and then i almost fell off a small cliff, but didn't! but soon after that, i fell into a stream. and so did my jokes. you should have heard my squawk of injustice. it echoed. now my jokes smell kind of shitty and are covered in muck. just another hurdle in the unforgiving world of humor. laugh it off, baby. laugh. it. off. someone out there will appreciate my stank jokes.

pretty. pretty stank for jokes on paper.

@@@

hah. ohhhhhh hahhhh.

email from my adopted soldier in iraq:

"Marshmallows I need marshmallows. If you can get some of these I will be very happy."

what if i just sent tons and tons and tons and tons of them. that wouldn't be very nice. i think that's, how do you put it, being an asshole.
where are the rounded edges? noooooooo.

***

oh man. so do i have some stories for you people? yes i do. i'll be brief though.

so i went to this comedy open mike in arlington tonight as a standby performer (if a comedian has a seizure/asthma attack/panic attack/psychotic rage blackout on stage, i run up there and tide the crowd over with humor until the situation regains control...sort of) and also to support my friend dave. OH MYLANTA. can i just say this was the most bizarro weirdness of an open mike that i have ever attended?


highlights:

--man makes baby jokes with his heavily pregnant almost in labor wife watching. near her, two people chain smoke.

--girl storms out after comedian ribs her. she did yell GO GAMECOCKS! really loudly in the middle of his set.

--this tiny little college man comic wore a tshirt that read FAT N NASTY.

--man makes joke about how he slept with his mother because his grandmother doesn't put out.

--my friend dave yells CLOCKS! CLOOOOOOCKS!!! as a transition between his jokes.

--first time comic gets on stage and doesn't tell any jokes but merely says "yeah i could get used to this. i like it up here. ok i'll be back again. thanks guys."

--guy wearing a white sweatband and little ponytail/faux-half-bun makes a long riff about getting in an argument with his elementary school girlfriend's father in the hospital where she was in recovery from a brutal footsie accident (it was his first time playing it. he broke her knee in 13 places). at the end of the riff, his girlfriend dies. oh! BOOYAH FCC.

--and the best highlight award goes TO: the last performer. a woman with long red hair. who will remain anonymous. if you know her, you know her. if you want to, i'm sure you can. she came up in a very skimpy bellydancing outfit and made very breezy sex jokes while thrusting her pelvis and shoulders in wayward directions and darting her eyes around loosely in a hippie fashion. at first, i was shocked. she did have a bangin' bod though if i do say so myself. work it girl. there were several erections in the room at that point. even though she was a little off. she could have been on drugs. it's highly possible.

anyway, her most memorable line was when she thrust her pelvis forward at the end of her act and said "sorry that my clit's in the way." i didn't get that one until my drive home and boy did i have a big realization over that one, i'm telling ya. my "ohhhhhhhh" could be heard for miles around. no, not THAT kind of O. geez louise.