Party Logic

Hey! We just had an banana split ice cream party at work!

I think I figured out a way to balance out the ice cream.


Before you start writing complaint letters, I was gifted these nanners by an important work official (title redacted to protect the kindness of others' hearts). Sometimes jaw surgery gets you things. So step off!

P.S. To be fair, when I tried to serve myself some caramel syrup, it burped into my hair so something good was bound to happen after that sugar ambush.

Some Kind of Hero

Whoever brought this to work today and put it in the kitchenette fridge deserves some kind of plaque, or at the very least, a key to the city.

I salute you!

Navigating the Choppy 9-to-5 Seas

So I get to work today still in my long weekend mourning period and what do I see but the chair spawn on my desk next to my keyboard, yes, the very same keyboard WHERE I DO SOME OF MY FINEST WORK/WEB EXPLORING.


The cleaning peeps must've thought I dropped it and was too lazy to pick it up for about 2.5 weeks (so they finally did it for me out of pity/concern).

GAWWWWRRRR. Don't they know and recognize that it's a piece of office offal! A rolling, spinning device's droppings! A piece of furniture's half-twin/afterbirth?!

Well.

Since it does, more or less, look like an ergonomic wrist guard for the keyboard, I gueeeesssss I'll use it.

I mean, the emotional damage has already been done. In addition, it feels quite nice under my bony hand-arm joints.

Maybe I will reinvent my work space as a safe haven for office supply mutants. I'll organize coffee breaks, luncheons, the whole shebang...for just me and my bent-out-of-shape paperclips, jammed staplers, dried out white-out, three-legged desks, disconnected phones, non-functional mouse pads, half-operational plus charred headphones, inkless pens, and abandoned plastic folder containers.

All the Hot Minutiae As It Happens!

I just got a blank email from someone who goes by the moniker Darnell Muffins. It might be spam, but in the name of everything and anything magical, I hope it's real.

Today was also the day my new office supplies came in! By which I just mean my very own set of "awesome pens" that I so humbly requested. Look at the colors and clicking technology! My purpose in life never made quite so much sense as it does now.


What I mean to say is I finally have something to talk about at the *NEW* water cooler (we switched to a new water dealer—but I'll save that for another post). In fact, you won't get me to shut up about them (especially at the upcoming pizza lunch). Look at me. I can't stop bragging!

Also, I bumped into an old friend yesterday. He's full of rage these days. I would recommend anger management classes, but I don't want him to bite my head off.


SO SILLY. I need a time-out and a piece of humble pie.

If You Can't Stand the Heat, Go Outside Because It's Freezing

Yesterday, the firm alarm went off at work after mostly everyone had left (hence all the people that were still there were trying to finish last-minute, time-sensitive, very important stuff).

There is no word that can convey the sense of agony I felt upon hearing that piercing screech.

There is a gesture combined with a noise though (covering my ears and gently whimpering, if you must know).

Waiting outside while fire truck after fire truck pulled up to investigate a bad light fixture was just short of tragical. But the parade of burly calendar models charging in with axes and masks pushed it over the top straight into dinner party anecdote territory.

But again, work bonding and camaraderie occurred like a charm bracelet between us poor drones who were fatefully caught in Limbo—mainly due to the easy consensus on two simple frozen-water-cooler topics: "Wait'll everyone hears about tomorrow!" and "It's so bleeping cold."

That's the stuff that'll kick down the toughest firewall between acquaintances and upgrade your systems right quick to Forced Friendship 2.0!

To Dream, Perchance to Caffeinate

Blurgh. I thought three weeks without coffee would allow me to pooh-pooh my addiction right in the face, but it seems these days I just reminisce nostalgically about my former BFF (yes, as in holding hands with giant takeaway cup frolicking through a field), and about how much more alert I would be if I could just have one teeny-tiny, itsy-bitsy sip. The very idea of it is like a sweet melody gently massaging my ears.

I mean, I'm all for naps (for example, I voted yes on Prop ZZzzZz), but a 24-hour zombie dreamstate is a bit much, even for me.

Coffee cups make for great moments of reflection.
photo courtesy of Flickr and Gunjan Karun

On a more life-sustaining note, every day this week has been a reason to celebrate some occasion in the office, whether it be a farewell party or a holiday potluck or a gift basket arriving fortuitously and perkily, and today, a birthday!

It really doesn't get old. I can't imagine this getting old. I just can't. I know there was that Seinfeld episode where Elaine got sick of office cake, but I often yearn for superficial conversation and forced camaraderie right in the middle of the day, and it happens just like clockwork.

***

I was most recently advised to joke around with the negative voices in my head, i.e., the ones who disparage everything I do.

I'm going to try it out on paper first. I named my voice Negativitina. Yeah, don't worry, she thought it was dumb too.

Negativitina: You are doing a horrible job. Everybody hates you. Please give up immediately.
Me: Oh, Tina! You put the T in tease! I swear, it's just all sunshine and candy rain with you. Hee heee hooo hohooooo!

I'm thinking that I might have to come up with better burns. At this point, I'm trying to tame a phoenix with a squeaky toy. I should go read some YouTube comments. That will pwn the n00b right out of me.

***

In conclusion, Gchat conversations that are NEVER OK look a little something like this:



Oh but there's more...

All in a Day's Smirk

Yesterday, I was incomprehensibly rude to somebody but I only realized it in retrospect. So now I am wearing my remorseful hindsight goggles. I had to walk with someone for a few minutes because we were both going the same way to our respective cars. So I tried overloading my brain with stuff to talk about so as not to have an awkward convo on the way over there.

What ended up happening was I kept interrupting him when he was making small talk with vast overly personal stories that left no room for another person's input or even reaction.

In case you thought that was bad, then I got to my car first and instead of offering to drive him to his car, I said "Well, see you later!" and then glibly hopped in my vehicle and zoomed away. Once I had driven for about 5 blocks I caught sight of him still trudging steadily onward toward his car. I am the worst!

Not to mention I had a 20-minute ride home and he had an hour-plus drive.

Oh well. I wonder if there are yield signs in purgatory. You thought I'd say hell! How dare all (two) of you.

#

Also there is one lone Smartie lying in the middle of the hallway outside my office. I can't even take a picture of it, the sight is so sad. Darkest omen of Halloween I've ever seen...

*

I figured out today that I am an office whisperer. When I pass someone in the hallway at work, I smile and usually immediately lower my eyes toward ground. That's standard procedure. No biggie.

But today, I realized when I do actually say something to them, in the form of a greeting or a "how do you do," I always whisper it. So as not to anger the productivity gods, I would imagine.

%

My coworkers practically called me a genius today after coming up with our department theme costume for this year's office Halloween costume contest.

It is a fairly simplistic, as-yet-confidential idea but they acted like I just pondered the theory of relativity while inventing electricity.

We then spent a nice inordinate amount of time coordinating how best to execute this group costume. I, and I think I speak for everybody, was thrilled.

I never really understand group costumes...or I never get them right away...

Here are some examples (in that last one, I think a woman is wearing blackface, but I'm not sure):

photo courtesy of Flickr and bradleyolin


photos courtey of Flickr and RBerteig

Let Me Just Put on My Introspectacles for a Minute Here...

My afternoon meal today was a straight-up callback-to-smellementary-school (remember the first time you smelled BO in 3rd or 4th grade? I do. How about farts? No? Nothing? I don't mean your own!) cafeteria lunch. The entree was slimy noodles, liquified tomato paste, and faux-ground round, and you had to peel back plastic and nuke sufficiently to get to it. I feel proud and slightly self-conscious, but mostly proud. I ate it by myself in an empty room without looking up...just like old times!

An all-ages treat!
photo courtesy of Flickr and foundphotoslj

***

I realized this inconclusive characteristic about myself today. Whenever someone makes eye contact with me in a hallway coming the other way, I routinely grin but I try to hold the smile and then fade it slowly (on my own time because I'm considerate) after we've passed each other.

Otherwise you get the compulsory flash-smile that suddenly shifts into the default grimace-frown, which reeks of fake boobiness (people being fake boobies, not real fake breasts. On second thought, real fake breasts sounds weird but you know what I mean). Also holding the smile makes you feel weirdly better about yourself and your honorable intentions with the world that day.

I also realized I immediately look at the ground after making eye contact with people as if to reacquaint myself with my position in the world. The way peasants would look down in the presence of royalty! I'm a real toegazer. And I don't even paint my toenails so it's not for aesthetic reasons. My toes are functional but they're not supermodels.

I'm going to try to look up instead from now on...at the sky! And wink at some stars or clouds. For your information, we have some inside jokes, the sky and I. I think the ground and I have even more though, but here's to deepening friendships with inanimate objects. In my new attempts at social climbing, the sky will be the limit (literally)! I'm afraid people might think I'm rolling my eyes though. Ah well, one must make sacrifices for self-esteem!

***

My sister is here for one night AND one night only (on loan from the other side of the world)! She has a long list of demands, and requires me to play the part of the earnest chauffeur all around and around we go. Hopefully, on the way, there will be some catch-up time. Between Barnes & Borders and Java the Hut, perhaps we can squeeze in a few cheek kisses and head pats. Best Buy is so unromantic for familial reunions. Oh, you need another plastic seat cover? Let me wrap it up in my current life journeys.

This is pure delight (there are seven other parts to watch if you need more):

(Via Will)

And forgive me because I might not say it everyday but love you and miss you, Alice.

Connect the Dots & Thank Your Lucky Stars

I think I'm figuring out the importance of connections. I think the reason I miss Alice so much is not because we were so very very close, but because she was one of those people who made you happy just knowing that she was out there in the world. The little messages I got from her bespoke a connection and impact far deeper than even she might have realized. She represented so much good and contentment for me, and it's hard to even acknowledge that that little light is no longer burning.

(Why doesn't she get to do all the things the rest of us get to do? Even down to the miniscule effort of tying a shoe?)

But going to Massachusetts this past weekend showed me how much she meant to so many people, and in a way, it was truly comforting and peaceful. Because in that way, I learned how parts of Alice are still very much alive.

It's strange how just one little conversation with another human being can be enough sometimes to convince you that everything will be ok. And not even someone you know particularly well. I conversed with the IT guy today who came to replace Ol' Faithful (he actually called the compo that, which begs the question...does he read my inane story-rambles?! As Cathy would say, Ack!!! Maybe we just operate on similar wavelengths. Ladyfingers crossed) and I asked him about his weekend. And it was really swell to listen to hear him talk about it. It was genuinely so nice because he went ahead and told me all about it. It made me happy.

I need to do that more often.

In silly news, I saw a man in full pajamas at a rest stop yesterday driving the I-95 north-to-south corridor, and I realized he must be doing something right. We all could learn from him!

Behold the stylish cut and everyday comfort of los pijamas! This is not actually the Pajama Man, for the record.
photo courtesy of Flickr and kballard

Gimme a Break (Room)!

The items that are up for grabs in our office kitchen are getting weirder and weirder.

Today when I entered said kitchen to peel an old, dried up orange, this is the sight that met my eyes (but did not meet them halfway―to be fair to reality):

An empty plastic container that, at the prime of its life, used to be full of Biscotti. However the lid was screwed on tight as if to say, "The goodies are gone, but the vessel is still ripe for the pillaging!"

A basket containing one unopened 6-pack of regular-size Hershey milk chocolate bars, one pint of Half & Half, and some sort of a cleaning/cooking rag. Offensive.

Three supersized Pixy Stix. Nobody should consume anything of this size at work. Especially if said item is just concentrated sugar.

A small blue bucket full of raw peanuts (still in shells). No. Unacceptable.

Sad proof below...

Giant Pixy Stik up-close:

Giant Pixy Stik in all its glory: O rly, coworkers?! I know it's finally Friday, but sheesh. Dropping red flags like these right before the weekend is just unnecessarily cruel.

Anyway, it's time to eat my geriatric citrus snack.

UPDATE!!! The basket with the Half & Half and chocolate were actually not up for the taking! They were just part of a fondue assembly kit, and the basket has since been replaced with a tray of delectable strawberries and raspberries escorted by a earthernware pot of still-warm chocolate goo.

The raw peanut bucket, however, still remains untouched. (Where did it even come from? Someone's fever dream that happened to take place at an absurdist baseball game between Team Accounting and Team Sales?)

You Can't Change the Weather, But You Can Change the Subject*

*Advice I should have taken five prontos ago.

Society has deemed the classic small talk topics to be weather and sports (i.e., the Jurassic but well-intentioned "How bout dem Yankees?" or the earnest soulwrencher "How great has this weather been?"). Everyone jokes about these goodies because they're the lowest (of the low) common denominators of conversation. In fact, they're so universally accepted as not-big-deals that people will even throw them around sarcastically in verbal battles with good friends just to unnecessarily communicate how very comfortable they are with themselves in acknowledging awkwardness that may or may not have actually occurred.

How about that new local weatherteam?!
photo courtesy of Flickr and CarbonNYC

Here's the thing though. Some of us wouldn't even be allowed to socialize with other humans without small talk. Case in point: me. So I take it pretty darn seriously. My half-arsenal doesn't even have space to accommodate the wide berth of two subject areas because, let's be grimly honest, sports takes time, enthusiasm, and mild research. Weather just requires leaving the house occasionally. Even just once every few days is enough. In fact, for the love of cumulonimbus (the real purdy ones), a window will do just fine.

I hope there isn't a snow day, because I'm snow banking on some real gems of verbal exchanges on the morrow!!
photo courtesy of Flickr and foto3116

The point to which I've used the weather as fodder for any and all informal conversations with my office coworkers is beyond acceptable. It's the only thing I will in fact allow myself to talk about in the company of all except my inner circle (i.e., my BFF Mr. Fax Machine). I feel my mouth open, and I immediately run through the temperature stats for the past few days, decide whether I should focus on local or national coverage, consider any and all recent global national disasters (poor taste, but there's more than a few to choose from), and decide whether precipitation should be a starter subject or a winder-down. I actually get excited when the temperatures suddenly shift, especially if it gets cold (I mean, I thought this was summer, people!) because I'll have something to jibber about in the break room. Sometimes I'll even just shout some recent weather trivia (i.e., 30% chance of brisk rain on Saturday!) at someone to show that I'm prepared and ready should they choose to engage with me.

Prematurely gray sky? Well, actually, I knew this was going to happen. That weird girl at work predicted it.
photo courtesy of Flickr and romulusnr

But it doesn't end there. I will actually dominate the conversation so that the person cannot take credit for any of the weather knowledge or factfinding that I am so diligent about. If they try and hint at something, I will brashly suggest otherwise. As in, "ha! I'm pretty sure you mean a drizzle, not a downpour, my dear Carol...It is Carol, right?" Or "Hey Steve, be safe driving home! Limited visibility. Chance of fog. That's my boy!" I don't know what I'm trying to prove really, but I think I've proven something else entirely. Something else, indeed. I am.

Powerhungry

I like the noise everyone makes in the office as soon as the power goes out. A collective inward whooooosh of air followed by this heavy sigh that sort of hangs in the air until the lights come back on. Like the opposite reaction of someone walking in on a surprise(!) party.

In the whoosh, I hear some relief mixed with faux-anxiety (how people think they should sound). I think we're secretly a little pleased technology gave out. There's also always one pained groan.

Amy Tan talks about creativity and the places we find it. Worth a listen.

Just What the Witch Doctor Ordered...

last night, i woke up in a dark place, physically and mentally.

it's a disorienting feeling when your eyes open...the ceiling is 2 feet in front of your face. and you're a backstabbing adulterer.

then i realized how i got there.

1) i was in my car.
2) i woke up in the middle of an indiestyle (heavy on the emo) no-friend-of-mine adulterous dream (details spared).

we're nappin'!

photo courtesy of Flickr and basykes

a nip nap

photo courtesy of Flickr and billsaturno

nippy to the nappy

photo courtesy of Flickr and scragz

izza nip nap skibbely dee

photo courtesy of Flickr and foxypar4

anyone can nap it up

photo courtesy of Flickr and Aaron_M

includin' you an' me!

photo courtesy of Flickr and wili_hybrid

so nap it

photo courtesy of Flickr and Timothy Lloyd

jus' nap it

photo courtesy of Flickr and samoyedfriend

turn my mic up

photo courtesy of Flickr and DEMOSH

drop a zzzzz

photo courtesy of Flickr and banna123456

i was so sleepy yesterday that i barely rolled into my driveway before stepping full throttle on the seatback recliner and going from 0 to 60 rem with rapid ninja precision, babystyle.

as my lurid subsconscious worked its voodoo freudian ballyhoo and hours passed, the sun set, my stomach protested and the car raised an eyebrow at my latest stationary exploits.

coming to felt like the end of a narcoleptic bender, lasting for days, weeks even. i barely knew who i was, let alone where, why, or how. rip van winkle, i feel your pain, man.

finally, i stumbled into the house zombieish, murmuring "i jus woke up? i jus woke up?", bleary-eyed, unable to walk a straight line...to the utter concern-quickly-transforming-into-giddy-delight of my father figure.

LATER A MIRACLE HAPPENED...in the bathroom!

(the only thing holding up this still shot is magic.)

today's 9-to-5-friendly tip: don't start small-talk conversations with coworkers that you don't know how to finish (short of trailing off and abruptly walking away). yes, it happened. no, i don't want to talk about it.